Smile at the kids

You know how in life we find people we sort of idolize and admire and strive to be like? And then we also find people who...well, we learn how not to do things.

I won't name names here, because that would be nasty. But back when Kaya was a little cutie and Lana was a teeny baby and I had no idea what was in store for me when I grew up, there was a family at our church full of kids with attitude. These kids were..what's the euphemism again these days...spirited? They were that. And the mother was perpetually running around after them, giving them a row (for you Americans that means yelling at them).

I remember occasionally they'd do something I thought was sweet, like they'd stand up on their chair during the songs and sing at the top of their lungs and clap their hands and I'd turn around to smile, thinking it would be good to encourage them. But as I turned around I'd see their Mum snapping at them and making them sit down and shut up. I guess she perceived the loud singing as mischievous. And the kids fed off the negative attention and went berserk. And I wondered to myself if she had responded with a smile and encouragement, maybe they'd stay on their seats and sing, albeit noisily, instead of running all around the church hall and unplugging the amplifier speakers. Because it seems that reacting to your child as though they are being malicious places a label on the child, and a role that goes along with it which the child will most certainly oblige to fulfill. I told myself I'd never fall into that trap.

Fast forward 5 years or so and here I am with my own "spirited" family. And all too often I find my kids doing something they believe to be innocent and giggling away, and I respond with snapping and yelling and warning and then spend the rest of the day scratching my head and wondering why the kids are so mischievous today. What possibly could have set them off?

So my challenge for this week, which will hopefully help form a lasting habit, is to simply smile at my kids more.



Whenever I make eye contact with them, smile. When they ask me a question, smile while I answer. When I serve up a meal, smile at them. When I catch them taking dirt out of the plant pot without it occurring to them that I might not be entirely pleased with such antics, first smile at them before correcting.

The theory is that by smiling I am firstly calming myself down and reminding myself that it's not as big a deal as I think it is in the moment, and in doing so I am modeling positive behavior and self control and peaceful outlook.

Secondly I am giving the kids the benefit of the doubt by smiling. I'm assuming they are innocent and just need to be reminded of the boundaries. Most often that is the case. And children and adults alike respond much better when they are given the benefit of the doubt. It's the whole catch more flies with honey thing.

Thirdly I am setting up the tone of the dialog that's to follow. If I notice Kaya and Lana have pulled off my freshly made bedsheets to make a tent in the dining room (as a random example) and I approach them waving my arms and pointing fingers and complaining that "I just made this bed and now I'll have to do it all over again!", they are likely to respond in two ways, since they have two very different temperament types. Kaya will start yelling at me in the same tone I used on her. She'll find some (usually valid) accusation to throw right back at me and then she'll storm off and slam the door. Lana will feel dejected and scared and will go to her bed sucking her thumb and twisting her hair until she falls asleep. Neither are very desirable. It won't make it any easier for me to make the bed, and we'll all feel like losers.

If however, I see what they're doing and I make myself smile. They will see that I accept them and will welcome what I have to say. I will be more likely to say something calm like, "I'm glad you are having fun. In future though, I wish you wouldn't use my bedsheets without asking first" and they are likely to say, "ok mum". I might follow it up with, "Could you please help me to make it again as soon as you're finished your game?" And they will probably agree. The smile makes a nice warm starting point, reminds me to be more accepting and gentle, and it helps my children feel more accepted and are more likely to react positively to my suggestions.

It's about stopping the vicious cycle of complaining and moaning and yelling before it even starts.

Plus, smiling is good for you. It exercises the muscles on your face, lightens your mood and makes you feel good. It makes you look prettier too. So join me in smiling at your kids, or your customers or even...(gasp) your husbands this week. :)


I was trying to find a clip from Ally McBeal when John Cage does his smile therapy but I can't find one. Oh well.

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International Babywearing Week (foto fest)

This week is International Babywearing Week.

I'm not necessarily a babywearing advocate. I don't think wearing your baby makes you a better mother than if you simply carry your baby. But it sure does make things easier. I *love* wearing my babies. I love having them close and snuggled up next to me without having to make my arms exhausted.

Here's a cute video to show what it's all about.




I thought what I'd do to honor the occasion, is sift through my pics and have a major photo fest of baby wearing pics. And invite you to join in too. I created a meme, and I'd love it if you'd post some baby wearing pics on your own blog and link to them below. I'll keep it open for a nice long time. But get your pics in this week if you can, while it's still International Babywearing Week.


And here are the pics.









This is Zoe. Aw, so wittle.






















And back to Turtle.














Look Maw, no hands























I hope you enjoyed these :)
Now I want to see some of yours.

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Playful Parenting

I have a lot I want to say on this subject at some point in the future. But I'll make this one a quickie.

Sometimes we go into parenting situations full guns blazing, only to accidentally shoot ourselves in the foot with said fully blazing gun. Sometimes we expect conflict, so we start reacting as though there already is a conflict, and thus we bring one about.

I just did something similar. 2 minutes ago. And it could have ended in disaster. I went through to the livingroom to see that the kids had torn an egg carton into many pieces and spilled it on the floor (an "art project") and then emptied the contents of a box of penny pasta all over the floor and couch. And thrown in some pistachios to boot.

I handled it calmly, walked through and switched off the tv and informed the children they could watch a little bit more as soon as they've cleaned up the mess. Kaya went straight through and started cleaning. She's a rule sort of person. She likes to know where boundaries are and to stay inside them.

Lana, however, is more of a beat-of-your-own drum type and prefers to govern her own world. Fine, I'm the same was as her, I get that and love her for it. However, she does have to learn how to live in a society and get along with others and contribute equally.

I heard her switch the tv back on while Kaya was working her butt off cleaning up. So I loaded up my weapons and went in, "NO Lana, you can't watch tv! You'll be banned from tv for 2 days if you don't get in there and help your sister now. It's only fair, you helped make the mess!!" yell yell, bla bla. It only puts her off. I turned off the tv and sent her through. Her head was hanging low. She didn't seem like she had a lot of energy or ambition to start helping, and I anticipated she'd probably just flop herself down on the couch.


As Jasmine Star says - "because all posts are better with a pic"



But then Kaya piped in with, "Hey Lana, do you want to feed the hungry vacuum?"

Lana's face lit up. And she got to work picking up pieces and feeding them to the vacuum cleaner. And they're still both in there just now busy cleaning away and having a great time.

If only I had thought of that! So often if we just approach an issue from a playful point of view, we'll have a much easier time getting our kids to participate. Instead of saying, "put your shoes on NOW we're 5 minutes late!", why not try saying, "let's pretend our feet are 2 birds who have lost their feathers, and they're really cold. Let's pretend these shoes are the feathers, we'd better put them on really fast before the bird gets cold". Or instead of saying, "Brush. Teeth. Nowish" how about, "I found a magical toothbrush. If you rub it against your teeth 30 times on the top and bottom, a fairy comes out and grants a wish. Would you like to go try it!"

Kids really respond to it! I might think about making a challenge or something, because I certainly need to remember this more. Maybe if I had a graphic and an official challenge it would help me remember haha. Yelling at the kids less, and them contributing positively more can only be a good thing, right?

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Let them be little

I'm totally planning on making a slideshow to that song. It's unfortunately a Country song, but the words are precious.

Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

We were leaving the park on Thursday, and it was pretty late in the evening. We had been at a potluck and it was long over. We had stayed later because Kaya found some guy's cell phone and Rene called the guy who was traveling across town to come collect it. It seemed to take a long time so when we were finally heading home, it was getting dark. I was also seriously sleep deprived, I had had 2 nights in a row of 2 hours sleep and was very keen to get home early to get to bed.

We packed up and started shuffling the kids towards the car. Rene was buckling in Kaya and Zoe, but Lana was still at the swings, putting on her shoes verrrry slowly. I started to get frustrated. I started to nag, "Lana, come ON, we have to leave now!" Because she's just like me, this made her want to slow down even more. She played with the stones and the sand, looked up at the trees, then wiggled her foot in her shoe a little, then took her foot back out and played with the stones, then started on her shoe a little again. By now everyone else is buckled in their car seats, waiting. I wondered to myself why she was misbehaving and I started contemplating what I could threaten her with to make her comply.


Then I stopped myself. Which I should do more often. And thought - hold on for a sec - is she *really* misbehaving? She's 4 years old. She's had a fun day at the park. She isn't sure exactly where we are taking her next or how the rest of the night will pan out - she won't have much control over that. We *all* feel the need to have control over our lives. Lana gets very insecure and scared when she doesn't know what's happening to her and feels out of control. Right now, she was in the drivers seat, and it felt comforting to her. She could decide her own pace and feel that she had control as she headed to the car. She *was* going to the car, just extremely slowly.

So it might take an extra 5 minutes if I just stand and wait. If I get mad at her now and threaten her or ground her etc we'd have the following negative outcomes:

She'll cry (possibly all the way home)

I'll get more upset

I'll feel guilty

She'll feel like she doesn't have control over anything in life, like a puppet (I feel the same way, like institutionalized. She's just like me)

That insecurity will develop into bitterness and we'll probably have more acting out later in the evening which I'll also have to deal with

Her spirit will be a little crushed, her flame slightly less bright. Maybe not enough to notice, but it builds up over time.



And the positive outcomes?

I'll be home 5 minutes earlier.


I placed them on my imaginary scales and it just made more sense to stand patiently and let her take her sweet time to walk back to the car. And she did. She took her time, and she walked back to the car. And she was happy and content. And so was I.

Sometimes we make more problems for ourselves as parents, than we need to. I am guilty of it. Sometimes we need to just remember to let them be little. Run things through the "so what" test before we make a big deal about it. Is this really a battle I want to enter into? Will this actually benefit my child to "learn a lesson" that you're not allowed to walk slowly back to cars? I expect the family to wait for me often, while I take my time over something. Lana is a valid and important member of the family, and I don't see why we shouldn't wait for her, if it's important to her to go a little slowly while she gets some closure on her adventures that evening. I think she'll learn lessons about being a valued member of a team as well as lessons in patience (through modeling) by waiting and letting her be Lana. Little Lana.

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Babies just grow

So, I've mentioned before that we're trying a container garden this year, in addition to our allotment for growing in the ground.

I've been reading about all the things that can go wrong, and have observed through trial and error many ways NOT to do things. So far most of my seedlings are doing ok and a bunch of them are in their new homes, in larger containers. I've also had a few sad losses along the way.

It is labor intensive. I have the grow light running, I'm checking for moisture and hand picking bugs ever day, I'm picking out grass growing where we don't want it to grow (D'oh, I put hay in the composter. It obviously had grass seeds. Ugh.), I'm training plants to grow certain ways, rotating containers when they lean towards the sun, so their roots will strengthen. It's a lot of work.

A couple weeks back I walked into Kaya's room. She rarely opens her blinds, and her room is rather dark. She had this pot in her room, which had sat outside all winter after a tomato plant died in it and we hadn't cleaned it out or sterilized the soil. The soil was compacted inside, and very dry. It hadn't been watered. But Kaya had stuck an avacado seed inside. From a fruit we had bought at the grocery store, she kept it, I think soaked it for a day or so, then stuck it in this pot. It sat, dry. In the dark. And it grew.



It's looking beautiful now. And I must admit I've been quite amazed that out of such a dire looking environment, something beautiful can grow.



And it got me thinking about how somehow food has always grown, with or without the farmer. God designed nature such that it will reproduce, it will grow. We may have found ways to dabble with it and stick our hands in and make it produce more than it would naturally, or with a more desirable product (but sometimes with consequence or high cost), but it will grow without us.


And it reminded me of something I was told back in 2001, when I was a brand new, full of pride and joy and nerves and fear, mother of my first newborn daughter. I so wanted to be the best for her, but I really didn't know what I was doing. or I assumed I didn't. I took her faithfully to the mother and baby clinic, every single week, to be weighed. Because that's what you're supposed to do, right? To be a good mum....right?

One week my health visitor smiled at me and said, "You are absolutely welcome to come here every week, but you know you don't have to. Your baby is thriving. The weigh ins are more for bottle fed infants, but Heather knows how to get exactly what she needs from you when she breastfeeds. The weigh ins are not necessary. Babies just grow."


After my Dr bashing Dr Knows Breast post last week, I want to readdress the balance a little by telling you a little about Ruth Astbury.


I don't have a photo of her so I made this from the way I remember her looking

Back in the UK, instead of going to a pediatrician for unwanted advice health related parenting issues, we had a Health Visitor. In the early newborn weeks she visits you at home. I had many friends who complained much about their Health Visitor. But I got a gem. My HV, Ruth Astbury, was the best I could dream of. In fact, we nominated her for a Health Visitor of the Year award once and she got runner up (but for some reason she won a train set and I was given money! I felt bad about that..), but she deserved first place.

She claims she was "just doing [her] job" but I believe she went over and above the call of duty. When I came to her, an insecure, new parent, she taught me to trust my instincts. That is THE single most valuable lesson anyone can teach a new mother. I'd ask her a question, expecting to be hand held and institutionalized, and thinking that was right, and she'd answer me by asking, "what does your gut tell you?"

Honestly, I can't express how on-top-of-the-world that made me feel. That this professional was going to trust me; a naive, inexperienced 20 year old new mum, to make my own decisions regarding the care of my child. Because she believed I had it in me. Because she believes in mothers.

And it changed my path entirely. To me, attachment parenting is all about going with your gut. It's not about wearing a sling, or feeding your kids granola, or wearing a t-shirt that says "got milk?" across the boob area. It's about going with your gut. Trusting that God gave you maternal instincts which are sufficient to raise your children successfully. No matter what the books say. No matter what your peers say, or even the well meaning pediatrician. Mommy knows best.

Ruth was introduced to me, by my Dr, as a "breastfeeding expert". And she gave me invaluable advice. Things which are now considered up and coming techniques, she has been preaching since forever ago. She first told me about squirting breastmilk in an eye to clear up an infection. She encouraged maternal nutrition in the most compassionate, non-condescending way.

When Heather died, she came to our home, for MONTHS, to listen to us talk and cry and work through issues. She happened to be a Christian, and was an incredible source of spiritual support also.

She's the most humble, sweet lady. And she does an incredible work, on a one by one basis, encouraging mothers that they are able to be everything their child needs. That's a message so many need to be reminded of.

She gave me a gift of confidence. I don't believe I'd be who I am today without her influence and encouragement. I'd have gone down a much more mainstream path, and would probably have continued to feel insecure and inadequate, as I sort of default to that.


What I'm trying to say is (besides THANK YOU to Ruth), mothers out there, kudos and more power to you. You're playing a very important roll. Try not to sweat the small stuff...babies just grow. Look deep inside and you'll see you have everything your child needs, already built in. God is very clever that way.

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