God gave me you

10 years ago today I was a naive 19 year old little girl in a white dress, drowned out by the enormity of the huge big world, clumsily feeling my way through, and making the smartest decision and commitment of my life.

Though sometimes the days have been long and hard to endure, I still struggle to accept that an entire decade has passed. I've become quite adept at presenting myself as a confidant, independent, self-sufficient woman, but most of the time I'm still just a naive little girl, making my way through and playing it by ear.

Rene, you're always looking to better yourself. You're always humble and meek, and I struggle to show those qualities. You're so forgiving and so committed to our family. And I don't tell you often enough how thankful I am for you. You are my rock. You work so hard for us, you listen to our needs and desires and set your goals upon meeting them.

I was once an emotional 16 year old, getting ready to go to Beecraigs Park with the YF, and looking forward to seeing the gorgeous long, blonde haired, handsome teenager whom I had been chasing for 3 years and who didn't even know my name. I was so full of anticipation of watching the way you move, the way you smile, the untold story behind the eyes that would sometimes briefly lock gaze with my own. The butterflies in my stomach were so familiar to me by then that I should have given each one a name. I was so mad at myself for pining away after this person who never seemed to notice me.

As I got dressed in my bedroom that day, I looked in the mirror and was horrified to find a big pimple on my upper lip, right hand side. In the mind of a teenager, this pimple obviously meant I would never be able to win your affection. I decided I had driven myself crazy with thoughts of you for too long and I needed to be released of this insanity one way or another. So I used the pimple as a fleece. I prayed to God that if you and I were meant to be together, if we would ever end up marrying, would God please make there be a pimple on your face at the same spot.

Sure enough, as I arrived at Beecraigs, there was your glorious face, right upper lip pimple and all. Identical to my own. It seemed impossible to be true, as you danced around, hopping from adoring girl to adoring girl. Everyone was won over by your charm and I was just the quiet, quirky one in the corner. But I believe God chose us for each other. And eventually you found me.

And now here we are, celebrating 10 years of fumbling our way through life together. We've brought forth 5 little lives from our love, and are still carving and crafting our 6th. We've suffered horrendous loss and tragedy. We've seen our efforts result in many successes and many failures. We've moved across the ocean to start a new life with naught, and have gained much. I have no idea what God has in store for us as we face the next decades ahead, but I'm sure there will be more mountains as well as valleys, storms as well as sunshine. And I'm so glad that I don't have to go through any of it alone, because God gave me you....

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Some of the best, most stupid things I've done - homesick

I've done some really stupid things in my life. Thankfully, it usually winds up being just fine, if not wonderful. I guess someone's looking out for me.

Like getting engaged at age 17 and married at age 19. Looking back on it now, as an ancient almost 30 year old (well, 28 actually, I still have a wee while yet) I realize I was just a baby. You know how it is at that age, you think you know everything, you think you're as mature as you'll ever be. But I was just a baby. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

But I did know that Rene was my soul mate and the only one I wanted to grow old with. And I knew that I was committed to him forever.

We've had some tough times. And then some tougher times. We've mentioned the "D" word that rhymes with mivorce and have been through counseling. Today, after 9 years of marriage, we feel like we've been through about 25 years worth! Right now we're going through a really good spot, we're strong and are building on that strength. Though we're still capable of having really sore, painful quarrels, like everyone. We're learning how to better manage these and bring issues to Jesus. I know there will be more tough times ahead. But I married the right guy. And I'm so thankful for him. And I know we'll get through whatever life flings our way. It won't always be easy, but we'll get through. Better together.


Which begs me to mention this website I wanted to bring to your attention. Remember sweet baby Kayeigh who I madethis video for shortly before she went to Heaven? After her death, her parents had some struggles in their marriage. It happens. They had spent the past year in hospitals, praying, hoping, longing, riding a rollercoaster, then suddenly it was all lost. And time to pack up and go home. And all the strains and stresses they had been putting off while focusing on Kayleigh, no doubt came the surface all at once.


Anyway, through their own marriage breaking down and then them working their butts off to rebuild it, they learned a lot about marriage and love and God. So Aimee (Kayleigh's mom) decided to start an online Womens' Marriage Ministry. On this blog she gives testimony, shares advice and posts challenges to help strengthen marriages. Even though I consider Rene and I to be in a good place just now, I've found the challenges really difficult! But it's good. It's refining and honing. I strongly encourage you to go check it out.





Other stupid but best things I've ever done include homeschooling 4 kids.
I mean, what was I thinking? They're constantly here, needing my love and attention and guidance. I don't get a break. No matter how sick or tired I may be, they need me and are depending on me and I have to just trudge on through. It is HARD. WORK. But ya know what? It's amazing! I couldn't say I love every minute of it, but I sure do love it. I really get to know my kids, I learn from them as well as teach them, they keep me real and focused. And at the end of the day I can tuck them in at night and be content in my soul that I didn't waste my day. I spent it with them. They're growing up so fast and I don't want to miss a thing. And I'm not. I'm not missing a thing. I'm right there, and that's everything to me. And I hope it's valuable to them too.

Dreading my hair.
Taking all those long locks and deliberately knotting them all up to make a hair style that many people have a a distaste for (especially in a white girl) might have seemed rather extreme. And certainly, during the really puffy and tangled stages where I looked like I was wearing a bad wig and I had to rip them 5 times a day until my fingers bled and I cried (which is not typical, I just have really tangly hair), I did at times think that it was a bit of a stupid idea to dread my hair. But, I LOVE it. I feel so authentic. It's the best hair style I've ever had. It's natural and I feel like me. It feels right. I catch my reflection and think, "ya man" I like it.  I'm so glad I did it. They're still babies, but more manageable now. And hopefully in 3/4 of a year they'll be looking schweeeeet. I know hair is just a trivial matter, but it has been a good thing for me. To just decide I don't care what people think or say, I'm going to be authentically me, and content with that.
 

Moving to the USA
Coming back from London, visas in hand, heavily pregnant with 4 weeks left to fix up and sell our house, pack up all our belongings, say goodbye to family and friends and move across the ocean to a new Country, all over the Christmas period was a bit of a challenge. We moved when I was 35 weeks pregnant, with only 6 suitcases containing our entire lives. Photos, some toys, dvds and clothes. That was it. We were broke. Jobless. And some might say a bit stupid.

But it has worked out beautifully. Family took care of us, God took care of us. We are well integrated now, we have amazing friends and neighbours, a fantastic church , a great job and a much happier life than we ever had in Scotland. The kids are thriving, they have friends and places to go and things to do and see and are enjoying their life. We have ambition and plans and this really is the life we wanted and needed.

But some days. Like today. I look back and think about how it really was the most stupid thing I ever did. I feel homesick. Not for the weather, or for Tesco, or for 2 weeks off at Christmas. Nor for Chewin' the Fat or George Square, Boots the Chemist, galaxy chocolate or people who know what the word jobby means *snicker*. Just for Mum. A girl needs her mum. Even when the girl's frighteningly close to 30. She still needs her mum.

We used to go over there every Saturday and just hang out. Talk, watch  X factor or play cards. She often cooked something yummy. Sometimes through the week if we were bored or needed a pick me up we'd just go to Mums. I hate the fact that my kids are growing up without getting to go to Mum's on a Saturday. Without hanging on her hammock in the back or sitting on the patio chairs at a barbeque. Sometimes I wonder if moving here was just stupid. If it weren't for the fact that I know the life my kids here is much better for them, and I believe they have a brighter future here, I'd gladly give up the better weather, cooking with cups instead of scales, friendly people, challenging and uplifting church, fantastic homeschooling network, huge washing machines and dryers, basements, attachment parent groups, local/sustainable foods connections, awesome natural birth grass routes movement/groups, ambitious/patriotic/optimistic mentality and even ranch dressing and grape flavored popsicles to have mum in my life.

*sigh*. I so wish she'd move here (as does like ALL her family here) but I know it'll never happen. She's happy where she is. I just wish the ocean wasn't so darn big. I do miss my mum. A girl needs her mum. It was a stupid thing to do. And it was the right thing to do. Sometimes that's just how it works out.

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It's not about what's in the bottle

In some ways, I had it made when I lived in Scotland. My birthday is in May. Usually about a week before Mother's Day here in the USA. In Scotland Mother's day was in March, which gave Rene plenty time to build up his pampering energy in between the two.

Now it just gets a bit too overwhelming for him. Two special occasions all bundled up. And he's kind of a one trick pony when it comes to this sort of thing. Thoughtful (not expensive, by any means, but thoughtful) gifts is one of my love languages. But not one of Rene's. He tends to buy a bunch of cards and a couple cheap gifts and dump them all at me in bed before I get up in the morning. Then that's it for the day.

I tend to go all out. Streamers, treasure hunts, poems, surprise hidden notes, gifts ordered from other countries months in advance, special meals etc. It's all about making a big fuss and making the person feel special. It is my love language.

Last May, I tried not to show my disappointment. In his typical style, he woke me up and dropped some kids, some cards and a couple gifts at me. I smiled and thanked them and opened my gifts. I got some junk food (a bag of dove chocolate and some salt and vinegar potato chips) which we're trying to avoid eating, and a bottle of some sort of shower gel which I assumed to be from the dollar store. I don't use shower gel. I prefer bars of soap and preferably all natural, when we can afford it. This stuff looked like it was stuffed full of chemicals and perfumes, would dry my skin out and burn my eyes and make my breastmilk extra toxic.

It felt to me like Rene either didn't know me, or didn't support me, or didn't care. Maybe he just has no idea that I like to avoid chemicals. Maybe he doesn't even know I'm crunchy granola. Maybe he never paid attention. Or maybe he'd trying to send a hint that he wants me to be more mainstream, like the rest of them. Or maybe he didn't even give a thought as to what I'd like, maybe he just thought, "that looks like girl stuff. My wife is a girl. Score. Birthday present sorted".

Either way it was kind of hurtful. I guess I wanted to feel special, like I try to make others feel. But maybe I'm just not special enough.

Fast forward a few months to August. Lana wants a bath and asks if we have any bubbles. I tell her no, we don't. Rene corrects me. He looks down at his feet and tries to act like he's cool, like his heart is not at all on his sleeve and his feeling are not at all hurt. He's simply stating the facts. But can't look me in the eye, and he sounds dejected. "Well, we have that stuff I got for your birthday or mother's day or whatever. The chamomile and lavender stuff. I don't think any of it has been used, so there's plenty left".

At first I had no idea what stuff he was talking about. Chamomile and Lavender bubbles? Oh, he must mean the crappy shower gel.

I think I thoughtlessly blurted out something about the stuff not being good, or filled with chemicals. He found it a little harder to hide his hurt while he defended it, "It's Johnson and Johnson".

I went to the bathroom and looked at it. True enough it was Johnson and Johnson, lavender and chamomile, chemical filled shower gel. I decided to get in his head space and figure out what he was thinking. In Scotland, Johnson and Johnson is THE preferred brand for babies. It's portrayed as soft, gentle, natural, preferred by midwives etc. The tv commercials have tons of squashy, squeaky baby bums and he knows how much I love baby bums. And it says chamomile and lavender, and he knows I love herbs and aromatherapy.

It's not that he doesn't know who I am or that he disapproves, or that he doesn't care! He knows I'm crunchy granola, and he supported me by thinking hard and buying exactly what he thought would fit. So he doesn't know how to tell a "good" product from a "bad" one - I can so live with that. I feel bad that he put so much thought into that gift, and instead of focusing on what was going on inside his head and heart, I made him feel rejected just because of what was inside the bottle.



9 years ago today, two babies who truly believed they were grown ups, said vows to love and cherish each other forever.



Both of us babies have grown and learned so much in these first (of many) 9 years. We have been through some pretty trying times and have had some years where staying married was very hard. But this baby is so glad we've fought through, and clung to God like we promised we would. I'm sure we have some more hard times to come, but I believe we'll get through whatever comes our way, and use it towards our growth.
I pray I'll learn how to get inside Rene's head space more. To be more selfless. To see the bigger picture and to see the pure intentions. I'm really glad it's not about what's in the bottle. Because the stuff in his head and heart is so beautiful. And I'm blessed. I've just got to open my eyes and see it.

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Plans and reflections

Plans

Tomorrow we head off in the late afternoon to drive to Joplin, MO. My mum and her gang left this morning to get there ahead of us. Rene set up a family reunion for the 4th, and I'll be meeting my mum's dad for the first time ever. He's the only surviving great grandparent for the kids. I'm really looking forward to it.


Reflections



I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. A few of our married friends are having troubles right now, with their marriages. It's heavy, sad and painful. We've been there and no doubt are not over the worst of it yet. I'm sure we still have much to deal with. It's difficult to watch our friends struggle with hurts and pain.

God's been speaking to me a lot about my role as a wife, and I've been thinking and reflecting on relationships. I have a theory right now, that the vast majority of relationship issues boil down to a common fear that we are going to give out more love than we're going to get back in return. It's more than simply a fear of rejection. It's like a fear of being depleted of love resources. Because we love this person so much, we are scared we'll run ourselves empty on loving them, and they won't give us a refill.

We're scared we'll be taken advantage of. That we'll end up doing most of the house work (if that's your particular love language) and won't receive help, and our gesture of love won't be received and reciprocated. Or that we won't get the physical affection we crave. Or that we'll be expected to work harder, or put more time or money into the relationship than the other person is having to put in. And we'll dry out, and be left with naught, because we weren't as loved.


And ultimately, we shouldn't be worrying about our cup of love running empty (nice and cheesy and cliche wasn't it?), because we shouldn't be expecting it to be filled by our spouse. Or else we'll always end up disappointed. I believe that if we are embracing Jesus' love, if we are allowing ourselves to be truly filled up with his love, then we'll feel completely free to love our spouses without restriction, and without fear of being taken for granted or taken advantage of. Because we have all the love we could ever desire. We are so loved. He's passionate about us and jealous for us. He died painfully to spare us. There's no way we'll end up giving out more love than we received!

Yanno what? I am so darn tired right now. I am nodding off while typing this, but I wanted to get some thoughts down. I will come back to this subject later, for sure (when I'm better rested). Sorry if this doesn't read well or seem to make much sense.

Meanwhile, I will take my camera with me to Joplin for sure. And I will take many pics and post all about it when I return. I hope this goes well! I am excited.

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Way back When-sday

I stumbled across this meme, and I think it's a great idea. I *love* looking through old photos.

Check out twinfatuation blog and join in.


I looked out some old pics of Kaya, which were some of my favs. I used to do a photo shoot of the girls in Calendar Park,Falklirk (Scotland), every fall.

That park has significance for Rene and I. He sort of almost asked me out there (he had a conversation where he hinted at it, because he was too nervous, then started talking about "our relationship" and assumed us to be an item. And we have been ever since). We had our first kiss there (um...later that same day). We had many teenage-frustrated-hormone-driven fights there. We saw Hanson play there.

We took Heather there in fall 2001. And got this photo.



The following year, we were blessed to be able to bring Kaya there.



And also the year after that






But I'm not going to post those pics today (oops, I just did).

Because I loved these ones, from fall 2004. Kaya was 2, and Lana was about 3.5 months. Such pretty wee lassies. This was actually a difficult time in our marriage. We were having issues, and hadn't started counseling yet. We were very much in a rut, and spent a lot of time fighting or crying. But we'd sometimes just get out of the house, just forget about the stresses, the lack of money, the depression, the mess. We'd get out and just be a family. And have fun. And those moments sustained us.

I remember this day. It was a good day.






















Check out Daddy's beard. hehe.

I don't miss tons about Scotland, other than the people and some food stuffs. Mostly, our lives have improved so much since coming here that I hardly stop to look back and miss the place. But I must admit, I feel a longing to stroll around Calendar park again, feed the ducks, watch the squirrels. Or in summer, watch the kids on the bouncy castle. A lot of memories in that place.

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He's a good man

I won't always admit this, I can't have him getting a big head. But I thought I should say something today about my darling husband, Rene.

Zoe had a really rough night on Sunday night, didn't sleep well. Then on Monday night she started acting the same way, refusing to sleep and I was exhausted by this point. She was also pretty hot with temperature (don't tell me this stupid cold is going to strike again!) so Rene took her, sat up in bed watching tv while holding her and let me sleep. She didn't really sleep at all and neither did he so he took the next day off work.

He also helped me clean up the house because the landlord was due to come with some people to look at the house.

Every day he washes the dishes, all the dishes. We don't have a dishwasher and I rarely have to wash a dish ever. He also washes laundry, even cloth diapers!

And he's been putting up with my hormonal mood swings and has been a rock for me.

Thanks Rene. I do love you.
xx

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Rene

I'm thankful for my husband today. I didn't write a blog post yesterday because I've been ill. I've had tonsillitis and have been pretty miserable since Sunday night.

I didn't sleep at all Sunday night and was sooo tired and sick yesterday. So Rene came home from work at lunch time to help with the kids and let me rest. He also brought lunch home. And he's bringing lunch to us on his lunch break today, so I don't have to cook anything.

I'm just making the kids some porridge then I'm going back to bed, and they're watching PBS kids. Hopefully this will be the last of sickness for the season...I'm hoping. I feel like I've been constantly ill. Ugh.

Rene, I love you. Thank you so much for all your help.
xx

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My husband is the bestest

Here's what he bought me!

He had been getting up early, doing extra jobs etc.

This is my birthday/Christmas/Anniversary/Mother's Day, etc etc everything present. I'm sooo happy. :)

I'm soooo rusty on them, it's been years. But I'll get there with practise.

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