I had a dream about her

*sensitive in nature*

I had a dream about Peach last night. I've often had disturbing dreams where I find her lifeless body, buried under junk usually, and I manage to get her to breathe again, then I have the issue of people not believing me that she's really alive. You can see the symbolism screaming through that one.

Last night's was different. It was beautiful, in a strange way.



I was walking through an art supply store, trying to find things I could use for props for a movie I was going to make with my brother. I only had an $800 bill with which to pay for the items. It was torn and crumpled and I was embarrassed by it. I'm not sure whether I was embarrassed to have such an obnoxiously large sum of money, or embarrassed that it was so torn and not well taken care of.

I found a section over at the back wall, it was like a bench that ran the length of the wall. And it was filled with painted and mounted posters. I was fishing through for something that would look good on an old lady's wall, for the movie. Then I noticed the left hand corner was filled with miscellaneous fabrics. I looked through these warm, soft fabrics and uncovered my own little baby Heather, sleeping among the material. Her eyes were closed, she was warm, content and breathing. She was wearing her pink, stripy babygro/onesie. I used to call her Sparkle Queen when she wore that one. I could almost see a smile on her face as she slept.



I held her close. She looked exactly as she did in real life. I soaked up every detail. I was suddenly aware that "this is probably one of those dreams again". I wished it wasn't. And I decided to ignore the fact that it was a dream, and savor it all.

I wondered why she was still a baby when it had been so many years. I concluded it was probably because her eyes have been closed this whole time, that if I could get them to open again, she'd probably start growing again. I considered how strange it would be, for her to be the baby sister.

I noticed one of the art store employees, (or was it the manager?) looked at me holding Heather, from the other side of the store, smiled wisely, and walked out of site. I felt grateful to her, that she had given my baby this warm place to sleep while she waited for me to return to her. This lady seemed like an angel, she had a gentleness about her, but I had a sense that she had some authority that I would never comprehend.

Suddenly I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I started to regret the fact that I hadn't been there for my baby this whole time. She had been here on this bench, and I had been living my life. My heart raced and my stomach turned as I contemplated the possibility that she might have cried. What if she cried, and I wasn't there for her? Did she know I wasn't there, if her eyes were closed? Could she hear what was going on? How would she forgive me. What kind of mother was I, leaving my baby to cry and not being there to comfort her? I felt horrible.

I decided to whisper to her and kiss her warm cheek. I held her tiny body up to my face, inhaled her aroma and whispered in her ear, "Mummy's here now. Don't worry, Mummy's here".

And as I did, she started to stir. I saw her mouth move in almost a yawn, and I worried it was a grimace. It was a strange expression, her lips agape, revealing her toothless gums. I had a moment of panic that she wasn't ok, but also a moment of awe, to watch this motion animating my lost love. And then her eyes opened, for an inverted blink. Then they promptly closed again. I couldn't take my eyes off her. There was only her face, filling my whole field of vision. Her eyes slowly fluttered open again, and her mouth turned upwards into that beautiful smile that I am grateful is etched in my subconscious. It was perfectly Peach. I couldn't close my eyes right now, while awake and remember her smile so clearly. It was her, right before me. Looking right into my soul, and with her grin she was bringing life to parts of me that I thought were forever dead.

This was it. The beginning of a new adventure. I didn't know how she would grow, how it would all work out, what her sisters of brother would say. I couldn't really think of much, but stare at her, feel a connection. And overall, the overwhelming sensation was hope.

And then my dream ended. I am uncertain whether it changed to a new dream or if the emotion woke me. Or perhaps it was Turtle kicking my head in the night or Zoe climbing over my feet. Or it could have been Rene's snoring or Lana sleep walking and confused. My tattered $800 bill. My wonderful family, my large sum I've been generously blessed with. I need to focus my energies on being a better steward of what I've been given. On giving more of myself to my kids. And I am reminded of the hope I have for the future, being reminded that while I am not there for my first daughter right now, she is content and being watched over by the angels, and I will gaze into her eyes again one day. And knowing that re energizes me and motivates me to live in the moment now, to soak up every encounter with my children, to give this life my all while God has me here.

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And then nighttime arrived..

..and they all fell asleep, all fresh from their baths and snug in their jammies, their long lashes resting heavily on their chubby little cheeks. And as they exhaled in their slumber I filled my lungs with the fragrance of innocence, purity and trust as they lay helpless and beautiful, tucked up in their beds (and my bed). And I wondered what I was even fussing about all day. These babes couldn't have possibly caused me any stress today.

Ah the life of a stay at home mother.


Kaya, as a wee baby

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Hibernation

I made you all a picture today for this post. Here you go.



Yes, it is very disturbing. It's supposed to be me as a bear, hibernating in a cave. But it turned out more scary that I envisioned.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I wanted to get these thoughts down. I love Christmas. Summer is my favorite season, but I am such a fan of the magic of Christmas and the snow everywhere. We got a ton of it this year, in fact the weather man said it was a record Christmas day snowfall for Lincoln. And I hear that my friends and family back in Scotland got lots of snow too.

I had a positively wonderful time blasting Christmas music through my kitchen speakers, playing games with the family, baking copious amounts of cake bars and cookies, wrapping presents, singing carols, drinking mulled apple cider, watching the kids climb the walls with excitement and anticipation, melting at the cuteness of my 2 year old monkey singing, "little donkey" in her bestest voice, smiling at the husband snipping out paper smowflakes with the kiddos and all the other fun holiday activites. The snow, the bible stories, the magic, the excitement, the charity, the time with Daddy being off work.

And then it was over. And I have a house full of paper, packaging, pieces from toy sets that we promised ourselves we would keep together this year now scattered all over the house. A kitchen full of dirty dishes. A ton of laundry I have been neglecting to do. Kids with let down and head colds. And a Christmas tree I can't bare to take down. It's dead as can be, lopsided and ugly. But I can't take it down. I'm not ready for it to be over.

I always fall into a funk this time of year. Without fail. Oh, other than 2007 I guess, because we had an international move 2 weeks away, a house to pack up and a going away party to organize. And it kept me going I guess. But other than that year, this is a time of year where I just want to shout "Boo" to the world, pull the blanket over my head and sleep for a few months.

I hate going into the stores or turning on my radio this time of year. Because I see diet programs and exercise equipment every where I look. And the most annoying thing is how everyone is talking about New Years Resolutions. It's January now, and we're all supposed to be buzzing full of motivation to clean up our lives and be perfect in every way and full of new plans and get our houses organized and our schedule set. Our church is advertising all the new classes they have coming up and everyone is hyped up about big plans for this new year.

If Bah Humbug would apply here I'd use the phrase. I'm not ready to give up on Christmas yet. I still feel festive and full of cheer. I hate the daily grind. I hate the normal every day effort. I am soooo not motivated nor do I feel like buzzing around making promises to myself that I know I'm not going to keep.

And so I do some soul searching. Why do I feel the way I do? I don't want to drive, or even leave the house. I want to stay home, warm and snuggled with my kids. I don't want to start a diet, I want to eat warm, comforting, home cooked foods. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to go through my closets and clean stuff out. I want to sleep more, I'm tired, unmotivated and dissatisfied. I'd be content enough in my own little cave with my cubs snoozing beside me, if not for the pressure I feel to perform. Radio adds, posters, store windows and people all around seem to be prodding me to do more and they're all full of energy but I just can't seem to squeeze out a drop. And it can make me feel completely inadequate. What is wrong with me? Do I have depression? Every year I find myself asking that.

This year I noticed something and I am taking on a new approach. We were driving past a lake that's frozen over and the kids started asking questions about how the fish stay alive in there with all the ice. We drove past a bunch of migrating Canadian Geese. And we started talking about how God set up nature in such an amazing way. That winter is a cleansing and nature is so prepared to deal with it. Some animals hibernate, their metabolisms slow down and they rest so they can put their energy towards keeping warm. We talked about how the cleansing aspect of Winter plays an important role in nature and the whole cycle of the seasons.

And I remembered that I am a part of that too. I am always very effected by the seasons. I adore Summer and the heat of the sun. I love barbecues outdoors with friends, going to the pool and playing water games. As soon as Spring comes around I'm hardly ever at home. I scoop up the kids and we go out. Doesn't matter where. The zoo, the park, a bike ride. We're out, playing, picnics, running, breathing, laughing, living. During the spring my soul feels explosive with new life, ambition, motivation. I feel on top of the world in Spring.

In Winter, I just don't. And that's ok. Maybe I'm just not supposed to. The only resolution I am making right now, is to put off my resolutions until Spring. For right now, I'm going into hibernation, and I am not going let myself feel down or guilty about it. I'm a part of nature too. I will take down the tree whenever I feel ready to let go of Christmas. And then I'll go back to taking it easy. I'm blessed to be homeschooling and not have to go to a job. The kids and I will do more reading and discussing things in bed or on the couch and less of the exhausting activities for now. There's a time for everything under the sun. This is a time for resting. Short days, long nights, comforting foods, spending time together, slowing down, huddling together for warmth, drinking hot cocoa, leaving the chores till later.

I'm not on top of things. My house is messy, I have library books to return and e-mails to write. And it may just have to wait. I'll get to it. Come Spring if not before. I'll make up for it. Life is a cycle.

As soon as I started letting myself think like this, I felt such a burden lift. I'm not going to get bogged down with guilt. I'm going to praise God for the wonderful way he created nature, and the diversity of the Seasons and how beautifully he integrated all aspects of nature together. I'll take this period of hibernation to reflect and bask in the beautiful things I've been given, to savor the PJ days with the kids while they're little, and to maintain the spirit of thankfulness and charity that I enjoyed over the holidays. Sounds healthy enough to me! I feel so much better when I'm not forcing myself to go against the grain.

So that's why I drew a scary human faced bear with snow.

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Oh, btw, during a couple of these laid back days I've taken the time to start working through editing some pics. I hadn't had the chance in ages. I was backlogged to September. I'm though Sep and most of Oct. Then Nov and Dec to do and then I'll do a photo dump on here. Because one of my fav things about having a blog is being able to post pics. And I haven't done nearly enough of that lately!! Hoping to get that back to the way it should be.

So here's to a great 2010 for you all, and I look forward to peeking out and facing it some time in March or April! Until then I'll make some awesome memories and enjoy a wonderful time in my cave with the cubs.

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