I am always yours

I was quite decided this time. I wasn't going to make a silly slideshow and I wasn't going to cry. This is the 9th time I've celebrated Heather's birthday without her, surely by now I know how to stay strong. Surely by now I should be "over it" or something. I have 4 beautiful kids noising up my house and another one punching me in the ribs, I have more joy than so many ever get to experience, more than I can contain or describe. So this time I would simply acknowledge the date, have a cake or something, dwell on the beautiful memories and on all I have.

We are without a working van at the moment, so I've been stuck in the house for 2 weeks now. I've figured out how to stay pretty busy indoors. So yesterday, we gutted the basement, I cooked a lunch and cleaned it up, I got some projects done (which I plan to talk about on here in a future post - it's my latest obsession), I got organic fertilizer put down on my garden..and then it was 7.45 pm and there was nothing left to do. I wasn't thinking about the next day, and I didn't cry at first. I just started leaking. From my eyes. Without my consent. What on earth was this about? Why were my cheeks so wet. Oh, yeah. That.

So I faced it. I surrendered to it. My body knows it's been 9 years, my soul knows it, even when my mind doesn't want to admit it or confront it. I walked to the calendar, looked at the date and just sobbed and wept from this pocket of emotion inside that I didn't even know was in there. But I punctured it and it came oozing out.

I miss her. Today is a happy day, the day she was born. It was an amazing, beautiful day. I remember many parts of it clearly, some are fuzzy. It was an incredible day. And I miss her. I wish I could have been stressing about staying up late to wrap presents and hang streamers, and wondering if she'd like all the things I got her. I wish I could see what she'd look like as a 9 year old. I'm at peace with my story and with where we are in life and where we're headed. But the fact that's she's gone still sucks. And there's no point in me pretending otherwise, because, well I'm just no good at faking it I guess. And that's ok. I love her, she's my baby, I'm her mother. And it hurts to not celebrate today with her. I'll still celebrate her birth and her life, and I'll grieve that she's gone.

While I contemplated all this, a Switchfoot song came on my playlist. And every word spoke exactly how I felt. So I had to make a silly slideshow. This one isn't all upbeat, it isn't preachy with a moral at the end. It's just real, and it's an expression of how I feel today.

Happy Birthday, Peach.

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God gave me you

10 years ago today I was a naive 19 year old little girl in a white dress, drowned out by the enormity of the huge big world, clumsily feeling my way through, and making the smartest decision and commitment of my life.

Though sometimes the days have been long and hard to endure, I still struggle to accept that an entire decade has passed. I've become quite adept at presenting myself as a confidant, independent, self-sufficient woman, but most of the time I'm still just a naive little girl, making my way through and playing it by ear.

Rene, you're always looking to better yourself. You're always humble and meek, and I struggle to show those qualities. You're so forgiving and so committed to our family. And I don't tell you often enough how thankful I am for you. You are my rock. You work so hard for us, you listen to our needs and desires and set your goals upon meeting them.

I was once an emotional 16 year old, getting ready to go to Beecraigs Park with the YF, and looking forward to seeing the gorgeous long, blonde haired, handsome teenager whom I had been chasing for 3 years and who didn't even know my name. I was so full of anticipation of watching the way you move, the way you smile, the untold story behind the eyes that would sometimes briefly lock gaze with my own. The butterflies in my stomach were so familiar to me by then that I should have given each one a name. I was so mad at myself for pining away after this person who never seemed to notice me.

As I got dressed in my bedroom that day, I looked in the mirror and was horrified to find a big pimple on my upper lip, right hand side. In the mind of a teenager, this pimple obviously meant I would never be able to win your affection. I decided I had driven myself crazy with thoughts of you for too long and I needed to be released of this insanity one way or another. So I used the pimple as a fleece. I prayed to God that if you and I were meant to be together, if we would ever end up marrying, would God please make there be a pimple on your face at the same spot.

Sure enough, as I arrived at Beecraigs, there was your glorious face, right upper lip pimple and all. Identical to my own. It seemed impossible to be true, as you danced around, hopping from adoring girl to adoring girl. Everyone was won over by your charm and I was just the quiet, quirky one in the corner. But I believe God chose us for each other. And eventually you found me.

And now here we are, celebrating 10 years of fumbling our way through life together. We've brought forth 5 little lives from our love, and are still carving and crafting our 6th. We've suffered horrendous loss and tragedy. We've seen our efforts result in many successes and many failures. We've moved across the ocean to start a new life with naught, and have gained much. I have no idea what God has in store for us as we face the next decades ahead, but I'm sure there will be more mountains as well as valleys, storms as well as sunshine. And I'm so glad that I don't have to go through any of it alone, because God gave me you....

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istormy - episode 7

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It's been a while - ikaya birthday special

August 12 2002 I gave birth to Kaya Dawn, and like the dawn she brought the sunshine with her after our long, dark night. A new era began and I am so thankful for every precious moment, even the ones that turned my hair grey and took chunks of my sanity. She's an awesome little girl and I'm very proud of her.

To celebrate her turning 8 years old, we've revived iKaya. Here's her birthday special episode. Special thanks to Uncle Doug for battling with software problems and video formatting issues to put this together.

Warning...not great for any of you vegans to watch. I'm serious. There's a bit of a...tragic impromptu segment in this that does make me grieve a little...

Take it away Kaya.

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As promised...

Turtle's pony tail pic. It's from May, sorry.
I am *almost* caught up with pics now though! Woohoo etc.



And here is a pic of his hair all spikey. He's too cute.

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