My latest obsession

I am a faddy type of person. I like to have new jobs or hobbies or projects to keep hold of my attention. As soon as it starts to become sort of habitual I tend to move on to a new challenge. It's just how I am.

Combine that with the fact that I'm in nesting mode expecting a new baby and voila, we have a nice, new, productive obsession for me. Making cloth diapers.

It started off with me stumbling upon this free diaper pattern, which is a one size fits all, super adjustable and versatile diaper. And it looked easy enough. And I thought, hey, I could do that. Why not? The fuzzi bunz Turtle is using are so old now, the elastic is shot and stitching is coming loose. They still work, but we have had them since Kaya was a baby...we could use some new dipes for sure. Our kissaluvs were awesome, but didn't hold out for long in the wash. And the applix on the Bum Genius is just no good at all.

So what the heck, I'll try making a diaper. Ok...dust off the sewing machine. Then call on my husband and ask him to teach me how to use the darn thing. I don't sew. I just don't. I've never been any good at it. If a teddy bear rips, the kids ask their Dad to repair it. Me and sewing, we just don't get along. I have no spacial awareness and am way too clumsy.

So then it's a challenge...and I'm in the mood for a challenge.

And now, I showcase my first ever home sewn cloth diaper. Made out of flannel receiving blankets I bought from yard sales for like 10c each. It's extremely messy, clumsy and sad looking. But it's functional. And I made it all by myself!






It's reversible







Because I had so much fun making that one, I decided to cut up an old tshirt and sew it into a diaper







And a couple blankets






Here's a modelling shot of that one


So then I bought some snap pliers and a new pattern and made this diaper out of an old denim looking cotton shirt







Then I came across another pattern I liked better. This is the Darling Diaper Unlimited pattern and it rocks. Yeah...any true hobby end up costing money, right? I made this out of a shirt I bought for 50c at a yard sale, I bought it specifically for making diapers. It's so stretchy and soft.





Microfleece inner. So soft.


So there's my first little stash, super cost effective.



Next I attempted to make a cover.



with leg gussets


And an ooga booga diaper







And a tartan diaper. Och aye. (yes, it's Daddy's favorite)






And then I started on some wittle teensie diapers for wee baby Ally. Broodiness in overdrive.



















I've made some more since then, but haven't uploaded the pics yet. I'm still making tons of mistakes and I have a looooooooong way to go until I'll be good at this sewing palaver. But I'm having a ton of fun and am getting better.

The biggest downside is I haven't dreamed about anything other than making diapers in like 3 weeks. It's getting a bit old by now.

But ya know, it really isn't all that difficult. It's very rewarding, saves money, is good for the environment to use cloth, and it's so much fun to stick a bit of fluff on my baby's bum that I sewed up all by myself.

So that's my latest obsession.

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I had a dream about her

*sensitive in nature*

I had a dream about Peach last night. I've often had disturbing dreams where I find her lifeless body, buried under junk usually, and I manage to get her to breathe again, then I have the issue of people not believing me that she's really alive. You can see the symbolism screaming through that one.

Last night's was different. It was beautiful, in a strange way.



I was walking through an art supply store, trying to find things I could use for props for a movie I was going to make with my brother. I only had an $800 bill with which to pay for the items. It was torn and crumpled and I was embarrassed by it. I'm not sure whether I was embarrassed to have such an obnoxiously large sum of money, or embarrassed that it was so torn and not well taken care of.

I found a section over at the back wall, it was like a bench that ran the length of the wall. And it was filled with painted and mounted posters. I was fishing through for something that would look good on an old lady's wall, for the movie. Then I noticed the left hand corner was filled with miscellaneous fabrics. I looked through these warm, soft fabrics and uncovered my own little baby Heather, sleeping among the material. Her eyes were closed, she was warm, content and breathing. She was wearing her pink, stripy babygro/onesie. I used to call her Sparkle Queen when she wore that one. I could almost see a smile on her face as she slept.



I held her close. She looked exactly as she did in real life. I soaked up every detail. I was suddenly aware that "this is probably one of those dreams again". I wished it wasn't. And I decided to ignore the fact that it was a dream, and savor it all.

I wondered why she was still a baby when it had been so many years. I concluded it was probably because her eyes have been closed this whole time, that if I could get them to open again, she'd probably start growing again. I considered how strange it would be, for her to be the baby sister.

I noticed one of the art store employees, (or was it the manager?) looked at me holding Heather, from the other side of the store, smiled wisely, and walked out of site. I felt grateful to her, that she had given my baby this warm place to sleep while she waited for me to return to her. This lady seemed like an angel, she had a gentleness about her, but I had a sense that she had some authority that I would never comprehend.

Suddenly I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I started to regret the fact that I hadn't been there for my baby this whole time. She had been here on this bench, and I had been living my life. My heart raced and my stomach turned as I contemplated the possibility that she might have cried. What if she cried, and I wasn't there for her? Did she know I wasn't there, if her eyes were closed? Could she hear what was going on? How would she forgive me. What kind of mother was I, leaving my baby to cry and not being there to comfort her? I felt horrible.

I decided to whisper to her and kiss her warm cheek. I held her tiny body up to my face, inhaled her aroma and whispered in her ear, "Mummy's here now. Don't worry, Mummy's here".

And as I did, she started to stir. I saw her mouth move in almost a yawn, and I worried it was a grimace. It was a strange expression, her lips agape, revealing her toothless gums. I had a moment of panic that she wasn't ok, but also a moment of awe, to watch this motion animating my lost love. And then her eyes opened, for an inverted blink. Then they promptly closed again. I couldn't take my eyes off her. There was only her face, filling my whole field of vision. Her eyes slowly fluttered open again, and her mouth turned upwards into that beautiful smile that I am grateful is etched in my subconscious. It was perfectly Peach. I couldn't close my eyes right now, while awake and remember her smile so clearly. It was her, right before me. Looking right into my soul, and with her grin she was bringing life to parts of me that I thought were forever dead.

This was it. The beginning of a new adventure. I didn't know how she would grow, how it would all work out, what her sisters of brother would say. I couldn't really think of much, but stare at her, feel a connection. And overall, the overwhelming sensation was hope.

And then my dream ended. I am uncertain whether it changed to a new dream or if the emotion woke me. Or perhaps it was Turtle kicking my head in the night or Zoe climbing over my feet. Or it could have been Rene's snoring or Lana sleep walking and confused. My tattered $800 bill. My wonderful family, my large sum I've been generously blessed with. I need to focus my energies on being a better steward of what I've been given. On giving more of myself to my kids. And I am reminded of the hope I have for the future, being reminded that while I am not there for my first daughter right now, she is content and being watched over by the angels, and I will gaze into her eyes again one day. And knowing that re energizes me and motivates me to live in the moment now, to soak up every encounter with my children, to give this life my all while God has me here.

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And then nighttime arrived..

..and they all fell asleep, all fresh from their baths and snug in their jammies, their long lashes resting heavily on their chubby little cheeks. And as they exhaled in their slumber I filled my lungs with the fragrance of innocence, purity and trust as they lay helpless and beautiful, tucked up in their beds (and my bed). And I wondered what I was even fussing about all day. These babes couldn't have possibly caused me any stress today.

Ah the life of a stay at home mother.


Kaya, as a wee baby

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One of *those* days

It started off innocently. Zoe slept in her room last night, Turtle started to gently wake me by sitting beside me and babbling away about Lana (his favorite person of late). I smiled at the day and rolled over to fetch my glasses. Before I had them on my face, Zoe burst into the room demanding, "I WANT SOME CHEESE!" And good morning to you too ma'am.

And that set the tone for the rest of the day. I grumbled as I stumbled out of bed, and noticed my dreads had a mind of their own today. I washed them in the bath last night, instead of the shower, then I went to sleep with them still wet. Bad. Idea. Messy and untameable. I was too tired to care at that point. Besides, I was too busy picking up cheese that Zoe had taken upon herself to get out of the fridge before promptly concluding that she wasn't actually in a cheesy mood after all, plus the shredded cheese looks much prettier all over the carpet...

I cooked a yummy breakfast, quinoa, mushrooms fried in coconut oil, toasted burger buns and scrambled egg with parmesan. The kids wolfed it down. Happy tummies, surely that can only mean good things, right?

As I started to pick up breakfast, Zoe thought it would be funny to pick up the plates with leftovers and throw them all over the room. Hey, I'm super mom, I can handle it. I displayed patience, redirected her efforts to something more wholesome, put on some awesome music and started cleaning. I felt fed up with the clutter everywhere and decided this weekend we will do a big declutter and I was also putting a ban on visiting any more yard sales. The mess was wearing me down.

I picked up some veggies to put in the fridge and as I opened the door, 3 half gallon glass jars full of raw milk came flying out as the section they were in caved under the weight. I watched them soar in slow motion while they made an impressive clatter and thud, and then smash. One jar bit the dust. My two Clingons, (Zoe and Turtle of course) didn't seem to understand that, "GET AWAY FROM HERE OR YOU WILL CUT YOUR FOOT!!" has no hidden meaning and is a pretty important instruction to follow. Moreso, they thought their Mum was the most fun lady ever, to so kindly provide a milk river here in their very own kitchen for them to paddle in. I franticly tried to move my hands fast enough that they almost seemed like more than two hands, a pair to grab towels with, a pair to hold kids back with, a pair to mop up milk with and a pair to pick up glass shards with. Super mum or what?

Exhausted after the exertion and feeling rather fed up, I sat down for a 5 minute breather before getting back to cleaning. That's when I remembered my job isn't just Mom, or Cleaning Lady, but also Referee, and a 5 minute breather from being ref isn't such a good idea while the game is still very much on. A few scratches, kicks, loud noises and tears later, I decided I should get back to work. I tried to bring about world peace, or close enough anyway, then go back about my business.

A few minutes into cleaning, Kaya screamed up at me that Zoe had just smashed a very important cabinet and there was glass everywhere. By this point, I just gave up the super mom facade. I did the multi pairs of arms thing again while Turtle pouted at my feet, "hug, hug" and the kids' tv show yelled obnoxiously in my ear and the glass repeatedly poked through my bag and fell back to the floor. I suddenly snapped, and summed up my most authoritarian voice, "Kaya and Lana, switch off the tv show right now, get upstairs and tidy your room!".

They whined and whined (I could have asked them much more gently and got a better response, shame on me), fought with each other and screamed about how they had the worst Mum ever. Lana point blank refused to help. Kaya screamed at her about it and refused to help if Lana wasn't. Turtle was desperate for some comfort after the cabinet had broken and frightened him, and was scared with all the screaming, so he followed me, tugging at my clothes and crying. Zoe wasn't making any noise. She was too busy pulling out all the baby wipes, tearing them to shreds and throwing them around the room. Confetti. Wow. Fun.

It was a pivotal moment. I allowed the confetti to be therapeutic to watch and I imagined a rhythm in the "You're a horrible mum" "I won't help tidy until She says SORRY" "hug hug hug hug" while I contemplated whether I was going to crack and lose it, or do something else. Something else sounded like the more righteous option, but what was that something? I've just gotta get out. I have to get out. "Kids. Clothes on, shoes on. We're going out." No idea where, but we'll figure something out.

Rene kindly met us and took us to lunch. He only gets a 30 minute lunch break so it was rushed, and I couldn't say much, but it was like a breath of fresh, ocean air after spending a week at a landfill. I needed him, and he helped set things in perspective just by seeing his face. The kids spilled juice all over the place, and I'm sure it was a much less relaxing lunch than he's used to, but I hope he knows how much I appreciated it.

After he returned to work I realized I was not ready to go home yet. I was also suddenly aware that Turtle was covered in tomato sauce, had no shoes on, very dirty feet and hair was sticking up every which way, Zoe was wearing the same messy clothes she wore all day yesterday, I was wearing a huge baggy shirt that I had slept in, my hair had still not been fixed Kaya's hair was like one giant dreadlock and Lana was mismatched. I have never looked so...People of Walmart. Oh well, not much I can do about that at this point.

We went to toys R us with no intention of spending any money. 5 minutes into our adventure, Zoe squats down and her face goes red. "Ok girls, I know we just got here, but we need to go to the car to change Zoe's diaper, then we'll come back". Insert mutterings of discontent. Zoe didn't like the idea either, so she took off, as fast as she could go, which is pretty darn fast, by the way. I told Kaya to stay beside her brother (who was in the cart) while I launched into a sprint to try to catch her. While Zoe darted in and out of the aisles, trying to lose me completely, I ran into Kaya wandering at one point. "You are supposed to stay with your BROTHER!" I wasn't gaining on Zoe at all. The folks who work at the store, who usually insist on asking, "can I help you find anything today" this time simply watched me with their mouths agap as I bolted across the store, trying to outsmart Zoe, but failing miserably.

Then she just stopped. Ok, this must be a trick. She let me approach her. She looked a little worried. She muttered something, but I was lost in my rush of victory to take it in. It was only as I was scooping her up that I replayed her words and realized they were something like, "Oh no, my diaper, the poop is falling". I put her in the cart and noticed she was covered in excrement. And now so was I. My huge, baggy tshirt was smeared with brown, my hand was fairly redecorated.

I pushed them out to the car only to realize we had no diapers or wipes. I tried to clean it as best as I could with some napkins. But it was just not happening. I found a diaper, loaded them back in the cart and back into the store. Still covered in poop. Straight to the bathrooms, washed up, washed her bum, turned my huge baggy shirt inside out, "So the poop is next to your BODY? Ew" "yes Kaya, so the poop is next to my body. Because I love it, that's why" then went out and spent an hour, People of Walmart fashion, poking at toys and not buying anything.

Then we went to the pet store to look at the animals, but Kaya got an upset tummy and started rolling around the floor, melodrama style. I'm just going to rush the rest of the story, because Daddy is home now "phew" and there are some more disasters building up. We eventually went out to the lake and played pirates. It was a fun escape. Then I stopped at a yard sale and bought some more junk. Yes, I did. Zoe ran away at the yard sale and I had to chase her across some foreign neighborhood, leaving Kaya with the littles in someone elses yard. We piled in the car, drove around in circles. Watched some men throw balls to their dogs. Visited a portapotty for fun. And eventually had to come back home. Back to the landfill. Back to reality.

One of those days.

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I guess there was a moral to the story after all

Remember this post?

Turns out my instincts were right after all. He did have something very wrong with his leg, and there wasn't an accident or something that I missed.

The story starts Thursday night. He started limping again and complaining that he was sore. Since the ER had said it was probably a muscle strain and they could do nothing we decided on Friday to call and make an appointment with a chiropractor. The appointment was set for Tuesday. But by Saturday morning it was still sore and we thought it seemed more serious than just a muscle pain. So we took him to the walk in clinic.

A few hours of chasing incredibly ansty kids around the waiting room later and an uncomfortable blood test later we were sent home with a prescription for amoxycilin.

By Sunday he couldn't bare weight on it and it was swelling and red and hot and he was getting fevers which came and went. We watched him carefully all day and by evening we decided it was just getting worse, so we took him in to the ER.

ER was busy. Zoe and busy ER waiting rooms don't go well together, so we learned. We got there at 6.30 pm and he was finally taken through to be seen at 9pm. In the interim Zoe had crawled under chairs, messed with people's catheters, ran out the front doors, jumped off of tables, upturned tables, climbed up walls, rattled door handles, pulled emergency cables in the bathroom, screamed her head off and continuously bolted down the hospital corridor. She is much faster than her fat, unfit mother and it must be highly amusing to watch me flop around with a red frustrated face while I do my very darnest to run as fast as I can down this very long corridor, reaching my hand out in front of me, inches away from catching her, Zoe flying a couple paces ahead of me with a look of utter excitement and laughing an evil laugh, soaking up the thrill of the chase all the while.

When they called "Glenn" at 9pm we were so relieved. Rene had the privilege of remaining with the 3 girls in the waiting room while I sat in the chair in the ER ward with a sleeping baby, waiting for the Drs to come. They did some more xrays and took some more blood, then at midnight they told us we'd have to transfer to the ER at the Children's hospital in Omaha. I was a little shocked to be honest.

We carted 3 exhausted, hungry (hadn't had supper), confused kids in the car and started our 75 minute journey into Omaha. When we got there, Rene sat with the girls in the waiting room again, but this time they were all sleeping and it was much easier!! By 4am we were admitted and the other half of my family went to spend the night in the rainbow house nearby.

Turns out he has a violent bacterial infection in his knee. They were concerned that it had been going on for 3 weeks and one major worry was that he'd have permanent damage to his cartilage. Monday afternoon he went under general anesthetic and they did an MRI on his tissue and then cut open his knee to remove as much pus as they could and then inserted a drainage tube.

Rene and the kids were back in Lincoln gathering some supplies. He had the day off on Monday but his PTO is all used up. So we knew he'd have to return to work. I was hoping at first that this would be like an outpatient thing, they'd drain it then send us home. I sat in the waiting room while he had the surgery. I haven't felt so alone in a long time. I am used to constantly having a huge to do list with usually 4-5 things on that list at any given time that are of utmost urgency, or at least appear that way to young children. I am used to always having a sock to pick up or a drink to pour or a bum to wipe or someone who needs a hug or a fight to break up or a spilled box of cereal to sweep up...you get the picture.

Suddenly my girls weren't there. My soul mate wasn't there. And my boy was being cut open. He had been poked and prodded so much by this point and had looked up at me with begging eyes while men and women with coats poked and prodded and hurt him, and we were both starting to grow slightly desensitized to that palaver. They had given him a relaxant before they took him away and it made him "drunk". He gazed up at me and laughed his head off. His laughter was contagious. He had no idea what was about to happen to him and my laughter was accompanied by involuntary tears. But his giggling, happy, woozy face was beautiful. And then I had to walk away. Walk away from my handsome, little, euphoric comedian, walk through the double doors, around the corner down the elevator and into a waiting room and sit. And wait. There was a TV on which irritated me, so I sat at the other side of the room, with a fish tank and I made many cups of coffee (Yes, I hate coffee, but I was tired and I needed something to mess with) and watched the fish and tried to let my mind go numb. I heard other families talk about the horrible things they are going through with their kids' long term conditions and I was so thankful that this is not as serious. And I was in awe at their strength. They all talked so matter of fact while their kids were in surgery for the umpteenth time and here I felt like the lonliness and fear and lack of control in this situation was crushing my lungs.

I paced the floor a couple of times in the few hours I was down there, but mostly, I just sat and watched the fish. I prayed. And I waited. And then the surgeon came to talk to me. He took me into the little room and explained how the procedure went. They think they got all the pus but they are not sure, there are some pockets left. I stared into the surgeon's clear eyes while he explained it to me in a velvety, hypnotic voice and I nodded. It all seemed to make sense. We won't be certain for a while, but it looks as though there is no cartilage damage. That's very good news. There were excessive amounts of white blood cells and the infection looks aggressive. They are suspicious it might be STAPH/MRSA (superbug) but it might possibly be kingella. It will take a few days to get cultures back until we know for certain, so we will treat for both just now. I flinched a little at hearing MRSA. I nodded and took it all in and figured I'd deal with the emotion aspect later on, when I'm alone again. Suddenly I really wanted to be alone. He continued speaking about plans of action and technicalities that I tried to grasp but the words were flying all over the place by now and my internal dialog was getting obnoxiously loud.

And then he said, "so he'll be staying here for 4-5 days minimum, ok?". My cool, calm, monotone "OK" was automatic but came out so fast and forcedly that it was obviously a lie. I was not ok. My head started to spin and the previous night's lack of sleep all hit me at once. The room was very bright and I was suddenly aware of the rhythm of my heart pounding through my chest. I focussed all my energy on getting through the rest of the conversation. Just make it through this discussion without looking like a fool. I couldn't really hear anything else he said. He got up and held to door for me. I thanked him and walked towards to box of tissues on the desk at the other side of the room. As soon as I had taken 3 steps the tears started rolling, silently. I felt eyes burning into me from all over the waiting room. Eyes of parents who are going through far worse than we are, and are holding it together much better than I am. I finally made it to the tissues, forcing my gullet to be silent and putting my energy into keeping my lungs from heaving. The box was empty. "There's another box over there maam", said the Dad who was waiting to hear if his daughter has Cycstic Fibrosis. "Keep it in perspective Niecey", I told myself.

I grabbed a handful of tissues from the other box and bolted to the ladies room where I cried my eyes out. The kind of cry that feels like an abdominal work out. It's not just from the eyes or the lungs. The kind of cry that makes other people in the ladies room wonder what the heck is going on in there. The kind of cry that leaves your eyes looking like someone removed them, dropped them in acid for a few minutes them put them back in place and it takes at least an hour before they go back to their normal color. I cried and I contemplated who we could ask to look after my girls while Rene was at work. I imagined them going to bed without their customary kisses and cuddles and stories from Mum. I asked God to help me get through the next 4-5 days only seeing my beautiful girls for 1-2 hours in the evening. Then I toughened myself up and committed to just coping with this an hour at a time.

And that's where we're at now. The kids are with our awesome, amazing neighbor through the day, then Daddy picks them up, grabs supper and comes out to see us for about 1.5 hours before heading home and crashing out. Everyone is tired. We are still waiting for cultures to see if this is MRSA or not. He is in isolation here, so everyone has to wear masks and vests. They are going to put a PICC IV in him, but haven't been able to get his temp low enough to do it yet. And he might need another MRI and drainage surgery tomorrow.

Ever since we turned the calendar page to February, Zoe has been counting down the days until her birthday. She had the order of events all planned out and told me about it multiple times a day. "I will wake up then open my pwesents. Then we going to a pirate show, then we can come home and have Strawberry Shortcake cake with Strawberry Shortcake and Custard and Friends and a rock." She's been so excited and I've been playing it up big time too. I wanted to make a huge deal out of it to help her know how special she is to me. And now I might not even be there. She turns 3 on Sunday. We are considering postponing her birthday without letting her know. I'm not sure ethically how that would sit....

I miss them so badly, I long to be running around pulling my hair out over Zoe and her mischief. It drives me wild sometimes, but the girls are my life.

Turtle is in very high spirits today. They took him off fluids because he's keeping foods down and he's no longer on all the monitors. If he gets the surgery again tomorrow he'll be hooked up to everything again, but for now he's free and I can hold him and feed him. He has a huge cast thing on his leg so it's awkward, but it's not hurting him too bad. And we're just waiting. Waiting to find out which bacteria it is for sure. Waiting to see if the treatment is working or if the bacteria is spreading. Waiting to see when we get to go home.

Prayers would be much appreciated. They are not too worried about him, he's certainly not in critical care. But it could get serious. It's aggressive and they are treating it aggressively. Specifically I'd love prayers that the antibiotics will work, that he won't have any more fever today so he can get the PICC line in tomorrow (otherwise they have to wait and each day means an extra day we have to stay here), that I will be able to handle the hospital stay, emotionally and that Rene and the girls will be happy and sleep well.

Thanks for reading this. I mostly typed it up for my own benefit. To help me process it. I see so many sick kids around me and I am reminded how blessed we are to have the health we have. I hate missing the girls and I hate seeing my poor boy as helpless as he is here.




But we'll get through. He's a tough kid, and has such a gentle spirit. It will help him heal. And so will the prayers and the love. I am not leaving his side.

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ch..ch..ch..changes (and iKaya)

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

I don't have the time nor emotional energy to go through it all in detail...
So here's the condensed version with much left out, or you can ignore it all and scroll to the bottom to watch this week's iKaya!

Almost lost Zoe in a small local supermarket, scared the living daylights out of me. She had left the store and was outside. :(

While driving away and getting over the shock of losing Zoe, the van broke down and overheated. We rolled to a safer spot, got a cab home and had the car towed for repair.

Decided to get stuck in to some major projects I had to do on the laptop. Camera lens fell on laptop from on top of fridge and completely killed it. Laptop won't even boot up. Had to disappoint many people and not complete projects.

Grieved over loss of laptop. Sulked.

Came down with yet another sinus infection. Kids got sick.

Was bored without Internet. Could technically use my husband's netbook like I am just now, but it frustrates me very much so I'd rather not. (I'm making an exception for this post though.)

Was blown away by how much stuff I could get done without the internet. Kids started playing hard with me all day and thus sleeping better at night. Cooked lots of good food. Laughed. Lived. Sorted through some major chores that I had put off for months. Bonded with kids, made memories.

Got van back, but didn't really go anywhere. Enjoyed staying home.

Bought awesome tent with tax rebate. Put it up in livingroom, kids slept half the night in it. Excited for Spring so I can go camping. I know, me! The hotel Queen. Actually wanting to go camping. Something weird going on here...

Saturday night couldn't sleep. Incessant pain in tooth. Paced floor all night. Woke Rene at 6am for emotional comfort. Whined like a baby and didn't handle pain well.

Monday got dentist appointment. Need root canal tomorrow. Am scared. Tooth still hurts though and won't ease up so I'll be glad to have it done. I think I'm getting old and falling to pieces.

Rene ordered new laptop with tax rebate today. I'm almost sort of dreading it arriving. I'll have to check my email, for one. Which must be SOOOOOO overfull by now. It will take a day just to go through emails.

I have a sort of Internet addiction. There, I admitted it. And this past week+ I've grown to love not being online. The kids and I have really benefited from me not having my face stuck in a laptop all day. From having their mum be more than just physically present. So I plan to put some serious restrictions on my computer time when the laptop arrives. I might even install software to enforce the restrictions. I won't be checking my email a hundred times a day. I won't be taking on many new projects. I will still edit my pics and put them online and plan to still occasionally post here. I won't keep up with tot talk tuesday though..if any of you guys want to start it up on your own blog, feel free.


Oh and another thing we did was borrowed a new camcorder which we might want to buy from a colleague of Rene's. We tested it out with iKaya. File sizes are huger but it looks more crisp. Decisions to make for sure...


So, here it is. A bit of fun for the week. My darling daughter starring in her wonderful webshow. Fantastically edited by Uncle Doug (he hates when I give him credit for some reason) as always.



Hope you liked it. :) Wish me luck at the dentist (spare the horror stories please), and I'll see you sometime. Whenever I can squeeze it in. Because living real life is my priority and I can live with my face stuck in a laptop after the kids have grown. But not now. :)

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Hibernation

I made you all a picture today for this post. Here you go.



Yes, it is very disturbing. It's supposed to be me as a bear, hibernating in a cave. But it turned out more scary that I envisioned.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I wanted to get these thoughts down. I love Christmas. Summer is my favorite season, but I am such a fan of the magic of Christmas and the snow everywhere. We got a ton of it this year, in fact the weather man said it was a record Christmas day snowfall for Lincoln. And I hear that my friends and family back in Scotland got lots of snow too.

I had a positively wonderful time blasting Christmas music through my kitchen speakers, playing games with the family, baking copious amounts of cake bars and cookies, wrapping presents, singing carols, drinking mulled apple cider, watching the kids climb the walls with excitement and anticipation, melting at the cuteness of my 2 year old monkey singing, "little donkey" in her bestest voice, smiling at the husband snipping out paper smowflakes with the kiddos and all the other fun holiday activites. The snow, the bible stories, the magic, the excitement, the charity, the time with Daddy being off work.

And then it was over. And I have a house full of paper, packaging, pieces from toy sets that we promised ourselves we would keep together this year now scattered all over the house. A kitchen full of dirty dishes. A ton of laundry I have been neglecting to do. Kids with let down and head colds. And a Christmas tree I can't bare to take down. It's dead as can be, lopsided and ugly. But I can't take it down. I'm not ready for it to be over.

I always fall into a funk this time of year. Without fail. Oh, other than 2007 I guess, because we had an international move 2 weeks away, a house to pack up and a going away party to organize. And it kept me going I guess. But other than that year, this is a time of year where I just want to shout "Boo" to the world, pull the blanket over my head and sleep for a few months.

I hate going into the stores or turning on my radio this time of year. Because I see diet programs and exercise equipment every where I look. And the most annoying thing is how everyone is talking about New Years Resolutions. It's January now, and we're all supposed to be buzzing full of motivation to clean up our lives and be perfect in every way and full of new plans and get our houses organized and our schedule set. Our church is advertising all the new classes they have coming up and everyone is hyped up about big plans for this new year.

If Bah Humbug would apply here I'd use the phrase. I'm not ready to give up on Christmas yet. I still feel festive and full of cheer. I hate the daily grind. I hate the normal every day effort. I am soooo not motivated nor do I feel like buzzing around making promises to myself that I know I'm not going to keep.

And so I do some soul searching. Why do I feel the way I do? I don't want to drive, or even leave the house. I want to stay home, warm and snuggled with my kids. I don't want to start a diet, I want to eat warm, comforting, home cooked foods. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to go through my closets and clean stuff out. I want to sleep more, I'm tired, unmotivated and dissatisfied. I'd be content enough in my own little cave with my cubs snoozing beside me, if not for the pressure I feel to perform. Radio adds, posters, store windows and people all around seem to be prodding me to do more and they're all full of energy but I just can't seem to squeeze out a drop. And it can make me feel completely inadequate. What is wrong with me? Do I have depression? Every year I find myself asking that.

This year I noticed something and I am taking on a new approach. We were driving past a lake that's frozen over and the kids started asking questions about how the fish stay alive in there with all the ice. We drove past a bunch of migrating Canadian Geese. And we started talking about how God set up nature in such an amazing way. That winter is a cleansing and nature is so prepared to deal with it. Some animals hibernate, their metabolisms slow down and they rest so they can put their energy towards keeping warm. We talked about how the cleansing aspect of Winter plays an important role in nature and the whole cycle of the seasons.

And I remembered that I am a part of that too. I am always very effected by the seasons. I adore Summer and the heat of the sun. I love barbecues outdoors with friends, going to the pool and playing water games. As soon as Spring comes around I'm hardly ever at home. I scoop up the kids and we go out. Doesn't matter where. The zoo, the park, a bike ride. We're out, playing, picnics, running, breathing, laughing, living. During the spring my soul feels explosive with new life, ambition, motivation. I feel on top of the world in Spring.

In Winter, I just don't. And that's ok. Maybe I'm just not supposed to. The only resolution I am making right now, is to put off my resolutions until Spring. For right now, I'm going into hibernation, and I am not going let myself feel down or guilty about it. I'm a part of nature too. I will take down the tree whenever I feel ready to let go of Christmas. And then I'll go back to taking it easy. I'm blessed to be homeschooling and not have to go to a job. The kids and I will do more reading and discussing things in bed or on the couch and less of the exhausting activities for now. There's a time for everything under the sun. This is a time for resting. Short days, long nights, comforting foods, spending time together, slowing down, huddling together for warmth, drinking hot cocoa, leaving the chores till later.

I'm not on top of things. My house is messy, I have library books to return and e-mails to write. And it may just have to wait. I'll get to it. Come Spring if not before. I'll make up for it. Life is a cycle.

As soon as I started letting myself think like this, I felt such a burden lift. I'm not going to get bogged down with guilt. I'm going to praise God for the wonderful way he created nature, and the diversity of the Seasons and how beautifully he integrated all aspects of nature together. I'll take this period of hibernation to reflect and bask in the beautiful things I've been given, to savor the PJ days with the kids while they're little, and to maintain the spirit of thankfulness and charity that I enjoyed over the holidays. Sounds healthy enough to me! I feel so much better when I'm not forcing myself to go against the grain.

So that's why I drew a scary human faced bear with snow.

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Oh, btw, during a couple of these laid back days I've taken the time to start working through editing some pics. I hadn't had the chance in ages. I was backlogged to September. I'm though Sep and most of Oct. Then Nov and Dec to do and then I'll do a photo dump on here. Because one of my fav things about having a blog is being able to post pics. And I haven't done nearly enough of that lately!! Hoping to get that back to the way it should be.

So here's to a great 2010 for you all, and I look forward to peeking out and facing it some time in March or April! Until then I'll make some awesome memories and enjoy a wonderful time in my cave with the cubs.

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The morning after the day before

Thank you all so much for the kind messages, e-mails, comments and thoughts and prayers.

It couldn't have gone any better than it did. Well, I guess I *could* have won the lottery too, but lets not get carried away now.

We dropped the girls off at the farm in the morning, expecting it to be for a couple hours then Rene would come pick them back up. Then we got to the hospital and they put an enormous gown on me and some funky slipper socks which I *hope* I was supposed to keep because I sort of did. Heck it costs thousands of dollars, the least they can do is throw in a free pair of socks, right? They started the iv etc and everyone loved cooing at Turtle who was grinning and saying, "yeah" to everyone and soaking up the attention. He is just like his Daddy! It was wonderful to have them both there. I'm such a nervous wreck without my husband and I feel naked without my kids. So at least I could still be in mommy mode which helped me feel authentic. So a huge thank you to Laura Chisholm for her awesome friendship and willingness to put up with my kids for so long, and make gingerbread houses with them and let them wreck your house and feed them.

Rene decided he didn't want to leave my side so he called Laura and asked her to keep them for longer.

Everyone was making preparations for me to spend the night, telling me where my room would be and getting ready to move our belongings etc. The Dr had acted like he was stretching it to do me a favor by making it only one night. I think he expected more complications because of my weight. More issues with the anesthesia and more layers to cut through so more potential issues there. But he didn't anticipate that I had an army of prayer warriors on my side.

They wheeled me through to the big creepy white and blue room full of machines and an insane number of busy people all making preps for my surgery, and I got scared and said lots of stupid things. Thankfully I had my glasses off so I was blind as a bat which helped me stay sort of oblivious. Soon I was fast asleep and the next hour or so is hazy. They gave me some morphine and hydrocodone so I felt pretty good.

I felt even better when Rene and Turtle came back in to brighten up the room. And they told me it went surprisingly well, and since i had a note on the papers to say I was *depserate* to go home as soon as possible they could get my discharge papers ready and send me home! Woohoo. So no sleeping in the hospital alone for me.

I came home, woozy and sleepy, then got insomnia. Oh well. Kaya was almost disappointed to see me because she had prepped herself to miss me and made me beautiful cards and had me take these photos before I left so she'd remember me.



It was a bit anticlimactic for her I think. But Lana and Zoe were excited to see me and cuddle in bed and watch a movie while Rene cooked ordered supper. And I know Rene, who has a sore head and is getting a cold, appreciated having me here to help with Turtle who didn't do a lot of sleeping last night. I hate to think of him being on his own dealing with a non sleeping babe who wants nothing but his mama.

And even better news...I'm still holding my breath about it, but we've been told we *may* not have the preexisting conditions clause because of a group policy issue. And we may be able to get financial assistance from the hospital because of our income level. That would be wonderful.. especially since the hospital website states these surgeries can cost between $8000-$30000 which is an unimaginable amount of money. We'll see how that works out.

I'm not in too much pain, mostly discomfort. But compared to the gallbladder pain I was having before this is a breeze. I'll be on meds for a few days and will take it easy. But I'm HOME! I have my weekend with my family! I am so thrilled. It's over and done with and wasn't too bad at all. I'm sure it has everything to do with your prayers.


A big holla to Laura Chisholm for winning the day.

Have a great weekend, peeps.

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Scarecrow, I think I'm going to miss you most of all

My heart is heavy.

I've been dealing with really bad pain in my upper abdomen for 9 days now. It's been very hard to function, especially when Rene isn't home. They did a few tests and have determined that my gallbladder "don't work a hoot" were the surgeon's words. So I will be having surgery on Friday to have it removed.

Firstly, I hate hospitals. I am scared to death thinking about it all. I will be so far out of my comfort zone. My stomach is in knots thinking about it. I had a homebirth to avoid going to hospital. I am a homebody and too much time away from home makes me crazy.

I'm very nervous about the financial implications of this. We are on a preexisting conditions clause with the insurance just now and they know this is a preexisting condition because I was tested last year. So this is going to really make us suffer and I have no idea how we will manage it.

Mostly though, I'm torn up thinking about the time away from the kids. I've to be there for 11.30am on Friday. Rene will be dropping me off. I have to at least spend one night and then it depends on how I am doing. I've hardly been away from Turtle and Zoe for a few hours never mind all night. He is still nursing frequently through the night. I'll need to take a breast pump with me so I don't get mastitis.

I am going to miss them so bad. They are not even allowed to visit me because kids under 14 are not allowed on the patient wards because of risk of swine flu. :(

I so badly want to call the whole thing off. But then the pain strikes up again and I know I can't cope. It's really kicking my butt. And I can't live on narcotics for the rest of my life. As wonderful as they are, it's kind of difficult to stay awake, never mind homeschool when I'm drugged up.

Anyway, wish me luck. I'm sure they'll all cope but I will be so lonely and will miss them so incredibly much. I can't wait to get back home asap. Prayers that it will go well and that I can recover fast to get home soon would be much appreciated.

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Within 20 minutes of being awake this morning

I had already heard:

I WANT CEREAL!!! (always my alarm clock from Zoe)

Can I have cereal now?

I have a hunger ache.

**Sound of Turtle stepping on my laptop, and stealing my rings**

MUM, Zoe is grabbing fishies out of the tank!!

I'm poopy (from Zoe)

Mum, Turtle's poopy

Hey, where's MY cereal!

I can't reach the bowl, can you reach it?

Waa waa waaa

Where are you mum, I need you to hear this whistle

**Sound of Zoe putting the air conditioning on**

**Sound of Turtle pulling out all the raw potatoes, taking a nibble out of some of them and chucking the rest all over the floor and down the stairs**

Mum, Turtle just grabbed poop from the cat's litter and put it in the cat's water bowl

waaaaa waaa waaaaaaa

I want more cereal

I'm still hungry

Can I play computer. I NEVER get a turn.

No, I want to stay naked

*crying - screaming etc*

Can you help me with the computer game?

The Internet isn't working

Mum, Zoe just pulled your bed covers off



It's going to be one of those days. 10.17 am and I everyone's been up for a couple hours but I haven't been able to make my own breakfast yet....hopefully soon.

Wish me luck. Meanwhile I'm listening to Daniel Bedingfield, "I gotta get through this" (but the internet keeps cutting out and stopping the song half way...)






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