Friday, November 27, 2009

Just like his sister

Turtle and Zoe are starting to become quite the monkey duo. Like today, they took out all our killer bunnies cards, including expansion packs and dice and pawns and chucked them all over the floor. Zoe instigates and Turtle follows and chuckles and copies. I have seen him lead her to trouble also. Like a couple days ago he started picking up random objects, chucking them down the stairs and laughing his head off. Zoe was enticed by his amusement at the activity and she jumped right in on the action.

Wherever Zoe is found in our wee house, Turtle will likely be found waddling a few steps behind her, admiring her and imitating her. I'd think it was sweet if she weren't such a terrible influence on the lad.

Today he found her dress on the floor and was thrilled at the opportunity to be more like his idol. He brought the dress to me, and urged me to put it on him with little thrusty bounces and grunts, 1 year old style.

So I put it on, and he was in heaven. Twirling and prancing and letting it flow. He apparently felt so pretty, just like his big sister. He wouldn't let me take it off for hours. I had to take a pic, but since my only two lenses which work indoor have tragically broken (I am deeply grieving), I took pics with my webcam instead. So please excuse the quality.

He does make for one bee-ooooootiful little boy, doesn't he?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Well, I knew today was going to be a tough one...

But I didn't anticipate this...

So as you know, the morning started out chaotic as it often does. I eventually got round to making my own breakfast and then I set off cleaning up the house. I was hoping to have a friend over later in the day, so I put the smelly knickers in the laundry instead of on the floor and I mopped up a few days worth of spills off the floor. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to sweep a floor with a 1 year old? He seems to think the pile of junk is an all you can eat buffet, which is also especially fun to roll in and scatter all around).

I was in the middle of cleaning up when I hear Zoe crying. I didn't rush to her, as this is a common noise in my household. It sounded like she and Lana were fighting. I put down my cloth and started to slowly make my way to her. Then I heard Lana apologizing to her emphatically and my alarm bells started ringing. Ok, if she's so sorry then she must have really hurt her. Lana's not always speedy on the whole remorse thing.

Zoe and I met in the hallway and she was holding her face in her hands and covered in blood. Apparently Lana closed a door on her, I can't figure out how. I sat Zoe down and got some tissues to start dabbing at her face. As soon as I cleared off the blood and saw the source, I realized I'd be spending some time in the hospital today. Her lip was bust wide open, gaping and oozing. And as she talked it continued to split further open.

I needed Rene. I am no good at handling these situations because I am way too emotionally attached to be objective. I went to call him. Turtle started screaming his head off because he was ready for a nap and didn't like me setting him down and walking away. I finally found Rene's phone number and went to call him but our stupid phone won't hold a charge. So it didn't work. So I scooped a crying kid up in each arm and knocked on our (awesome) neighbor's house and asked her if I could use her phone. She took Turtle and cuddled him and gave me her phone. I called Rene and he came home. Our (did I mention awesome?) neighbor looked after the two big girls for us and the four of us headed to the emergency treatment place.

As soon as they saw her lip they told us they wouldn't be able to fix it, because she might need to speak with a plastic surgeon to avoid scarring.

So off to ER. Zoe was so brave the whole time. She didn't cry at all in the car, and when we got to ER, she complied completely with the staff there. They gowned her up, weighed her, took her temp and checked her oxygen. She was being so sweet, with her lip gaping at them all and her eyes trusting them. She did whatever they asked and hardly uttered a sound. They put some numbing gel on and she tolerated it very well. She was like a completely different child from the one I live with!

Then came the shot. They gave her a shot to knock her out (more like space her out as her eyes stayed open) and her precious face changed. She felt the injection penetrate her leg and her little mouth dragged downwards at the corners and her mouth opened with shock of betrayal and unexpected pain. Her eyes widened with fear and she cried silently. My heart broke. She looked so scared and I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. She looked at the nurses she had trusted and pleaded with her gaze. They covered her face and began to sew. Just before the needle made its first move into her skin, the drugs kicked in and she became still, and breathed a big sigh and her body went limp.

They sewed her up and I cringed at the sight. 3 stitches was enough to cover it. He said she may very well scar, but it shouldn't be too noticeable as most of it was on her actual lip. Then there will be a small scar just at the top of her lip. It shouldn't be too bad.

We spent the next hour waiting for her to wake up and become responsive. She had her eyes open the whole time but was just not there. It was pretty spooky actually. We talked to her, held her hands and stroked her face. Eventually she started to look more present and she sat up and said, "Hey mum". As if just meeting me after being gone for a while. When the Dr came in he asked her if she was ready to go home. She nodded. He said, "ok then. I'll send the nurse in to get you signed out and get these monitors off you". But Zoe didn't intend to wait. As soon as she heard the word "home" she took off her gown and started ripping the monitors off her tummy, and she even figured out how to yank off the blood pressure monitor. She was ready to go!

The RN gave her some bright colored bandaids to take home, since Zoe had liked hers a lot. They said she wins the award for best patient ever. We had been warned that on waking from the medication she might have anxiety and be grumpy, but she was as angelic as she had been the whole time.

So we got her home and rescued the neighbor from Kaya and Lana duty. She has 3 stitches which will come out in about 6 days. Meanwhile we have to convince her to stop pulling at them and remember to put neosporin on them.

And she's getting a bit of extra pampering from us.

So yeah. I knew it would be a bad day. But that took me by surprise.

Within 20 minutes of being awake this morning

I had already heard:

I WANT CEREAL!!! (always my alarm clock from Zoe)

Can I have cereal now?

I have a hunger ache.

**Sound of Turtle stepping on my laptop, and stealing my rings**

MUM, Zoe is grabbing fishies out of the tank!!

I'm poopy (from Zoe)

Mum, Turtle's poopy

Hey, where's MY cereal!

I can't reach the bowl, can you reach it?

Waa waa waaa

Where are you mum, I need you to hear this whistle

**Sound of Zoe putting the air conditioning on**

**Sound of Turtle pulling out all the raw potatoes, taking a nibble out of some of them and chucking the rest all over the floor and down the stairs**

Mum, Turtle just grabbed poop from the cat's litter and put it in the cat's water bowl

waaaaa waaa waaaaaaa

I want more cereal

I'm still hungry

Can I play computer. I NEVER get a turn.

No, I want to stay naked

*crying - screaming etc*

Can you help me with the computer game?

The Internet isn't working

Mum, Zoe just pulled your bed covers off

It's going to be one of those days. 10.17 am and I everyone's been up for a couple hours but I haven't been able to make my own breakfast yet....hopefully soon.

Wish me luck. Meanwhile I'm listening to Daniel Bedingfield, "I gotta get through this" (but the internet keeps cutting out and stopping the song half way...)


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

No Tot Talk Tuesday this week

Because I just can't be bothered really. I'm not in the mood. I'll resume with it next week.

You might notice I now have a UPrinting button on my sidebar. I am hoping to host a giveaway from them in the near future. I'm excited about it. Anyway watch this space.

Meanwhile, save up those tot talks or go ahead and post them now and link them up next week if you want. Sorry. Sometimes I just need to rebel against something. It's quite relieving. :)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Because it's almost thanksgiving - IKAYA

iKaya is a special thanksgiving episode this week.

Please enjoy, and leave a comment for the star of the show. :)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Some of the best, most stupid things I've done - homesick

I've done some really stupid things in my life. Thankfully, it usually winds up being just fine, if not wonderful. I guess someone's looking out for me.

Like getting engaged at age 17 and married at age 19. Looking back on it now, as an ancient almost 30 year old (well, 28 actually, I still have a wee while yet) I realize I was just a baby. You know how it is at that age, you think you know everything, you think you're as mature as you'll ever be. But I was just a baby. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

But I did know that Rene was my soul mate and the only one I wanted to grow old with. And I knew that I was committed to him forever.

We've had some tough times. And then some tougher times. We've mentioned the "D" word that rhymes with mivorce and have been through counseling. Today, after 9 years of marriage, we feel like we've been through about 25 years worth! Right now we're going through a really good spot, we're strong and are building on that strength. Though we're still capable of having really sore, painful quarrels, like everyone. We're learning how to better manage these and bring issues to Jesus. I know there will be more tough times ahead. But I married the right guy. And I'm so thankful for him. And I know we'll get through whatever life flings our way. It won't always be easy, but we'll get through. Better together.

Which begs me to mention this website I wanted to bring to your attention. Remember sweet baby Kayeigh who I madethis video for shortly before she went to Heaven? After her death, her parents had some struggles in their marriage. It happens. They had spent the past year in hospitals, praying, hoping, longing, riding a rollercoaster, then suddenly it was all lost. And time to pack up and go home. And all the strains and stresses they had been putting off while focusing on Kayleigh, no doubt came the surface all at once.

Anyway, through their own marriage breaking down and then them working their butts off to rebuild it, they learned a lot about marriage and love and God. So Aimee (Kayleigh's mom) decided to start an online Womens' Marriage Ministry. On this blog she gives testimony, shares advice and posts challenges to help strengthen marriages. Even though I consider Rene and I to be in a good place just now, I've found the challenges really difficult! But it's good. It's refining and honing. I strongly encourage you to go check it out.

Women's Marraige Ministry

Other stupid but best things I've ever done include homeschooling 4 kids.
I mean, what was I thinking? They're constantly here, needing my love and attention and guidance. I don't get a break. No matter how sick or tired I may be, they need me and are depending on me and I have to just trudge on through. It is HARD. WORK. But ya know what? It's amazing! I couldn't say I love every minute of it, but I sure do love it. I really get to know my kids, I learn from them as well as teach them, they keep me real and focused. And at the end of the day I can tuck them in at night and be content in my soul that I didn't waste my day. I spent it with them. They're growing up so fast and I don't want to miss a thing. And I'm not. I'm not missing a thing. I'm right there, and that's everything to me. And I hope it's valuable to them too.

Dreading my hair.
Taking all those long locks and deliberately knotting them all up to make a hair style that many people have a a distaste for (especially in a white girl) might have seemed rather extreme. And certainly, during the really puffy and tangled stages where I looked like I was wearing a bad wig and I had to rip them 5 times a day until my fingers bled and I cried (which is not typical, I just have really tangly hair), I did at times think that it was a bit of a stupid idea to dread my hair. But, I LOVE it. I feel so authentic. It's the best hair style I've ever had. It's natural and I feel like me. It feels right. I catch my reflection and think, "ya man" I like it.  I'm so glad I did it. They're still babies, but more manageable now. And hopefully in 3/4 of a year they'll be looking schweeeeet. I know hair is just a trivial matter, but it has been a good thing for me. To just decide I don't care what people think or say, I'm going to be authentically me, and content with that.

Moving to the USA
Coming back from London, visas in hand, heavily pregnant with 4 weeks left to fix up and sell our house, pack up all our belongings, say goodbye to family and friends and move across the ocean to a new Country, all over the Christmas period was a bit of a challenge. We moved when I was 35 weeks pregnant, with only 6 suitcases containing our entire lives. Photos, some toys, dvds and clothes. That was it. We were broke. Jobless. And some might say a bit stupid.

But it has worked out beautifully. Family took care of us, God took care of us. We are well integrated now, we have amazing friends and neighbours, a fantastic church , a great job and a much happier life than we ever had in Scotland. The kids are thriving, they have friends and places to go and things to do and see and are enjoying their life. We have ambition and plans and this really is the life we wanted and needed.

But some days. Like today. I look back and think about how it really was the most stupid thing I ever did. I feel homesick. Not for the weather, or for Tesco, or for 2 weeks off at Christmas. Nor for Chewin' the Fat or George Square, Boots the Chemist, galaxy chocolate or people who know what the word jobby means *snicker*. Just for Mum. A girl needs her mum. Even when the girl's frighteningly close to 30. She still needs her mum.

We used to go over there every Saturday and just hang out. Talk, watch  X factor or play cards. She often cooked something yummy. Sometimes through the week if we were bored or needed a pick me up we'd just go to Mums. I hate the fact that my kids are growing up without getting to go to Mum's on a Saturday. Without hanging on her hammock in the back or sitting on the patio chairs at a barbeque. Sometimes I wonder if moving here was just stupid. If it weren't for the fact that I know the life my kids here is much better for them, and I believe they have a brighter future here, I'd gladly give up the better weather, cooking with cups instead of scales, friendly people, challenging and uplifting church, fantastic homeschooling network, huge washing machines and dryers, basements, attachment parent groups, local/sustainable foods connections, awesome natural birth grass routes movement/groups, ambitious/patriotic/optimistic mentality and even ranch dressing and grape flavored popsicles to have mum in my life.

*sigh*. I so wish she'd move here (as does like ALL her family here) but I know it'll never happen. She's happy where she is. I just wish the ocean wasn't so darn big. I do miss my mum. A girl needs her mum. It was a stupid thing to do. And it was the right thing to do. Sometimes that's just how it works out.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I heart faces - Autumn Beauty

This is an oldie. From 2005. Kaya and Lana in Calendar Park. I like the concept but wish I would have done a better job at snapping it. Maybe some other time.

See other entries Here

Tot Talk Tuesday

Lana can be so random sometimes. Here's an excerpt from this week.

Lana : Aliens don't have noses.
Me: Have you ever seen an alien?
Lana: No
Me: Then how do you know they don't have noses.
Lana: Well, I've seen the video games of aliens. They don't have noses. And you know Dobby in Harry potter?
Me: Yeah?
Lana: Well, I don't know what he is, but he looks weird.

She also picks up these big words from who knows where. This week she told me,

"You can make really nice pictures when you tessellate"

I had to ask her what tessellate means! She told me,
"Oh, it means to make patterns and pictures using small shapes, without leaving any spaces. "

So I went straight to wikipedia to confirm. Yes, tessellating appears to be a mosaic type activity. I'm sure you all knew that but I sure didn't. And was quite impressed with this 5 year old's language. That's Lana for ya. You never know what you're going to get with Lana.

Zoe gets cold after meals. Her fingers still turn blue etc. but it seems to be a circulatory thing, like perhaps Raynaud's Phenomenon. Anyway she usually requests a jacket after she's finished eating. This week I gave her a poncho with a fringy bit that dangles, and she was delighted and exclaimed, "ooooh tentacles".

She doesn't pronounce the letter s if it comes at the beginning of a word. So she eats with a poon and she likes pinning round and round etc.
I was a little confused this week when she came running to me with a terrified look on her face, telling me "oh no, pooky, pooky!" I couldn't figure out how anyone called Pooky could be so scary. It was Kaya who pointed out what she was actually saying. Sometimes I'm a little slow.

What have your little 'ens had to say?


Read what a Tot Talk Tuesday is and how you can join in here, remember to include the following code in your blog

And please do join in! The more the merrier!

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's what you've been waiting for....

ikaya episode 4! :) :)

Watch this one right to the end, there's an extra bit after the credits. Ah my husband is such a good sport.

FYI no small children were tortured in the making of this movie. The littles were being cuddled and tended to by their dad while we did the drama etc. but they still just screamed anyway, because it's what they do in this household.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I don't have the heart to stop him

Zoe came to me excitedly telling me that a squirrel was eating our chair. What an imagination she must have.

Then I saw it for myself. He has been tearing our patio chair open, ripping out the stuffing and taking it with him, presumably to keep him warm for the winter. We're going to have to repair it, restuff it and stitch a patch on. And I should take the cushions all in the house to stop him from causing any more damage...but I don't have the heart to. Because he needs to stay warm in the winter. *sigh*

Bibiofreak kindle giveaway

Have you guys seen the kindle and how awesomley amazing they look? I want one so bad.

Bibliofreak is hosting a giveaway!

Find out how to join here.

I'm thinking I'll try the youtube video thing too. It sounds like fun. If I do, I'll post a linky on here for you all to see it. :)

I'm drooling here....

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

i kaya - 3rd episode

Kaya says thanks for all the comments on the last one.

Here's number 3. I think you'll like it. Show it to the kids. :)

Tot Talk Tuesday

I was cuddling Zoe in a bear hug and asked her, "Are you my teddy bear?"
She nodded.
"Yeah, you're my mummy bear, because you make porridge for me and we go to the woods. And we go to Halloween in the woods."

That's about all I've got this week, cause I didn't type much up. I know she said lots of cute things...


Read what a Tot Talk Tuesday is and how you can join in here, remember to include the following code in your blog

And please do join in! The more the merrier!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Cleansing tears

If you don't feel like crying today, don't read this post or watch the movie. There, I warned you.

Cleansings are a part of life. We all know that. Nature is full of cycles of cleansings; the ebb and flow of oceans tides, human body detoxing cycles, the changing seasons. It enhances health and growth and progress. In fact, life depends on this aspect of nature.

I'm seeing a spiritual relevance in this concept today. 9th November is always a painful day. It's the anniversary of the death of Heather, my Peach, my first born. Whether I consciously embrace it or not, my body and my spirit seem to recognize the day. When the weather starts to turn crisp and the leaves change color and fall to the ground, the memories start to return. When we clear up the smashed pumpkins and try to sneak candy into the trash can, and the sun starts to go to bed in the early afternoon, I notice a pang in my spirit. I'll find myself breaking down over some small issue, my fuse is short and temper easily roused. I'll wonder what is going on, and then I check the date. Oh. It's time for an emotional cleansing.

I miss Heather every day. Every. Single. Day. I long for her to be a part of our chaos. I always do. But most days, every day life prevails and my grieving journey goes on the back burner, and I jot something down on the mental to-do list. I have 4 kids on earth to be positive for, to look to the future with, to make plans with and to savor. No point in dwelling on what could have been. It would only anchor me when they need me to move forward.

But once a year, I give myself permission to focus on just her. To remember. To think. To pray. And to cry as much as my spirit needs me to cry. Because I have about a years worth of tears stored up. Bereaved mother tears. They are a powerful type. They are a healthy type. I need this day. I need the 9th of November every year. A day to dread. A day to face, to grieve, to cry and to release, to focus and to mourn. And to survive. I get past the day, every year. I survive it every year. I prove to myself that I still love her with an undying love, that I need her and miss her and those feelings will never fade. And I prove to myself that I'm strong. That I'm doing well, loving and raising my family even with a broken heart.

I don't want to forget where I've come from. I never ever want to forget those ten weeks that changed me forever. And I never want to forget the hope of Heaven that carried me through the hardest days.

Even if I wanted to forget, I don't think I could. Because memories just come at this time of year. They just come. Last night I lay in bed trying to sleep, and I remembered my last moments with Peach. The last time I saw her alive. The last time I nourished her from my body. She wouldn't sleep that night. I wasn't sure at the time if it was because she had a long nap in the morning (we both fell asleep on my bed and almost missed the bus later that day because of it). Or because she had had a long day out with me, at a baby group and then a weaning talk, buses and baby carriers and walking and conversation. Maybe she was overstimulated. With hindsight now I wonder if she was in pain, maybe she knew she was dying. I hate to think of that.

Her Daddy tried to comfort her and settle her to bed. But she cried. And cried. He brought her to me to nurse her. I was in bed, very tired. I snuggled her up next to me, and nursed her while I lay there. I had no idea it would be the last time. The last time I'd see life in her eyes. The last time I'd be able to lie down and hold her warm body. The last time I'd feed her. I know I rushed it. Because I was tired. I just wanted her to go to sleep. I enjoyed her snuggle, I always did. But I rushed it. I didn't savor it. Not like I should have.

I heard this song recently, and I like to go back in my mind over that last cuddle I had with her, and imagine myself singing it to her. It helps me heal. I wish I would have sang it. I wish I would have kept her beside me. I'm sure Rene has similar thoughts about his last moments with her, while he paced the floor with her in his arms, and she stopped crying. And her heavy eyelids closed, and she gave up the fight and surrendered to sleep. And moments later her spirit left. Had he known, had I known, those were our final minutes...I'm sure our spirits would have sang this song to her.

I made a video. I will watch and imagine I'm holding her, and nursing her on my bed, that last time. And I will sing to her with my heart and spirit. And I will cry. And cry. And cleanse my emotions, and release tension and express my love for her as I so deeply long to do.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tot Talk Tuesday

Oops, I'm late today. I only just realized it's Tuesday.

Since my laptop is pretty much always on, I figured I'd start using google documents to keep track of tot talks. It's working well. I never remember to write them on paper and we keep losing the dry eraser markers.

At our weekly grocery store Zoe was a little grumpy because she needed something to drink. She forgot the word "thirsty" and improvised. "I want apple juice. I'm....drinky".

It tickled the kids and thus became the new word for thirsty in our household.

a couple days later she got her beginning consonants mixed around when she was ready to use her potty and told me, "I want my iper doff".

I had a weird rush of energy last week and undertook the job of emptying the furniture out of my room and deep cleaning the carpet. Zoe loved the mattress being up against the wall in the hallway and was playing and jumping and climbing. I tried to squeeze past all the things and crawl through the mattress cave to retrieve the vacuum and I complained, "it's like an obstacle course". Zoe excitedly agreed with me, "yeah, a weely BIG popsicle".

Zoe was having the time of her life trick or treating and collecting candy and saying, "fanks". When she was grinning and walking between houses in her Dora costume I asked her, "So, do you like this Halloween thing?". "Yes," she told me, "it's very pumpkin".

Remember how she likes to pad up sentences with the word, "today"?. She now interchanges it with the word, "tomowwow" for variety. She asked me for candy, "Can I have some candy? I want some candy tomowwow". I tried to confirm, "You want candy tomorrow?" She promptly responded, "yes of course. It's for peoples". I thought it was adorable.


Read what a Tot Talk Tuesday is and how you can join in here, remember to include the following code in your blog

And please do join in! The more the merrier!

Monday, November 2, 2009


So tired. Turtle is snuffly and teething right now. He has two at the top poking through and two at the bottom making their way there (and has 4 teeth already fully grown).

And he will just not sleep at night. He was a fantastic sleeper from day one. But he's making up for it now. I've had 3 nights in a row of him just screaming at me all night. Honestly, I'm not exaggerating. He is just plain mad at me all night long. I get 45 mins of so in the morning where he finally sleeps without nursing or screaming. Then the other kids come to wake me.

Last night he didn't even go to sleep until close to midnight. He wasn't screaming and grumping, he was being very cute. He had a pink diaper on and his batman pj top with cape, and was doing all his cute smiles and getting into things and dancing and making noises. I think he's had too much candy from halloween, which very well might explain his night time grumps too. He finally went to sleep, Rene and I watched an episode of heros (I need *some* grown up time) and shut off the lights and laid down just in time for Turtle to start up his sirens again.

I feel like a zombie. All my days are running into each other. And I feel so sorry for myself and grumpy. I'm planning a day in bed today. Lots of tv and hanging around in our jammies. I really really hope he sleeps tonight.

Remember to check out Kaya's ikaya 2nd webisode. She'll be heartbroken if she gets no comments.