Monday, November 8, 2010

The Queen Of My Heart

She had this babygro/sleepsuit with pink and white and purple stripes and glittery sparkles on it. So I called her my Sparkle Queen.

We used to have lazy mornings together. I was tired from the lack of sleep that most new parents are familiar with. So I'd grab a sandwich from the fridge that Rene had prepared for me earlier, and I'd plop myself on the couch with a cover and my wee baby beside me. She loved it. She had her mum all to herself, lots of hugs and milk on demand. We'd just nurse and watch British morning TV and take it easy, spending sweet time with my lovely little girl.

One such morning, when she was almost 10 weeks old, we were watching This Morning and they were interviewing boy band Westlife about their newest single, The Queen Of My Heart. I half watched, but I was too busy squeaking lovely little baby cheeks to pay much attention. They then performed their new song and it was the perfect opportunity for a little dance with my own Queen. I didn't listen to many of the lyrics, they didn't seem very fitting anyway. But that one line, The Queen Of My Heart, well the title fit this little girl perfectly. So I dedicated it to her and danced with her on the couch, holding her up in front of me and bopping her gently from side to side while she looked at back me somewhat unamused but not disturbed. She was quite accustomed to me being silly.

A few days later I was shopping for an outfit to wear to her funeral. It was surreal and horrible. It didn't feel like I was really there, or like I was really me. People were rushing about in the middle of their mundane business while I tried on black dresses that were not at all my style. And then I had a moment of familiarity, when I was projected back into myself momentarily. Over the store's speaker system they played Westlife's Queen Of My Heart. I sat on the chair beside my broken husband and cried without regard for our appearance in this public place full of pretend people, while my mum tried to ease some of my burden by rushing around choosing various sizes and styles for me to try on. I sat waiting for my selection and I listened to the song, to all of the lyrics this time and they fit. As much as a cheesy boy band song can fit something so profound anyway.

A few days later after a very powerful service that moved my spirit, my husband carried a painfully small white box with our daughter's name on the outside and a body she no longer needed on the inside. And at our request, they played the song Queen Of My Heart through the speakers while he took all he had left in him and marched this box out the door of the church with gentleness and pride. And the words fit.

Westlife - Queen Of My Heart
So here we stand
In our secret place
With the sound of the crowd
So far away
And you take my hand
And it feels like home
We both understand
It's where we belong

So how do I say?
Do I say goodbye?
We both have our dreams
We both wanna fly
So let's take tonight
To carry us through
The lonely times

I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory
Will last for eternity
And all of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I've found my way
Back to your arms again
But until that day
You know you are
The queen of my heart

So let's take tonight
And never let go
While dancing we'll kiss
Like there's no tomorrow
As the stars sparkle down
Like a diamond ring
I'll treasure this moment
Till we meet again

But no matter how far
Or where you may be
I just close my eyes
And you're in my dreams
And there you will be
Until we meet

Jessika Heather Burton Docherty (Peach)
Aug 29 - Nov 9 2001


Lynette said...

What a fitting tribute. Thank you for sharing something that hurt so much but brought you amazing joy, love and pride. Our children are a piece of our souls for all eternity.

Serina said...

I never knew this part. Thank you for sharing this Niecey .. she is a Queen of all our hearts.

allenaim photography and design said...

Niecey -

I've been following you for a long while and your thoughts on heather always touch my soul...this part of the story is new to makes me sad for you and happy for you.

What a fitting tribute God gave you for your little one...

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing this, Niecey. I don't have any words to do my feelings justice. Just know I loved her, and I love her still, and I'll never forget.

Michelle M. said...

You've brought me to tears, once again, over your precious little Peach. That song does fit so well now. I can't imagine dancing with her while hearing it and then a few days later listening to it being played at her funeral. You are a strong woman and such a wonderful mother. thanks for sharing her with us.

Nikkii said...

I do love to read about your adored first born - I know that sounds odd... does it sound odd? I dunno - it always moves me and although it's hard to read, I feel by doing so we acknowledge Heather's far too short life and share a tiny tiny fraction of your loss.

I'm waffling now.

Have a hug {{}}

Evelyn Kane said...

thankyou for sharing this Alathia the words in that song were amazing yet heartbreaking, i cant stop crying, she was so precious and beautiful. it brought back so many sad memories for me when i lost my niece, age five,she was killed on a takes a long time to heal and only with Gods strength we get through the tough times,Hold on to the assurance that you will see little heather again and get to spend eternity with her, lots of love, Evelyn xx

Herb of Grace said...

She's so precious... So beautiful... I hope I get to meet her in heaven one day...

Anonymous said...

you share this story so beautifully... thank you for doing so... you and Peach have left such footprints on my heart

Anonymous said...

sorry, it was me who left the last comment ~ Leanne

lady mommy said...

I wanted to send you a message yesterday but I ran out of time...such a beautiful post, peach was certainly a queen. Praying for you guys <3

Mommy Katie said...

I think one of the hardest things being a parent, is saying goodbye to our babies. There are no words that can make any difference. I did not know that you had gone through this too. At our little boys funeral we played Precious Child by Karen Taylor. We had a graveside and when the song played as they lowered his casket, the preacher and the rest of the funeral home staff all began to cry along with all of our guests.