I had a dream about Peach last night. I've often had disturbing dreams where I find her lifeless body, buried under junk usually, and I manage to get her to breathe again, then I have the issue of people not believing me that she's really alive. You can see the symbolism screaming through that one.
Last night's was different. It was beautiful, in a strange way.
I was walking through an art supply store, trying to find things I could use for props for a movie I was going to make with my brother. I only had an $800 bill with which to pay for the items. It was torn and crumpled and I was embarrassed by it. I'm not sure whether I was embarrassed to have such an obnoxiously large sum of money, or embarrassed that it was so torn and not well taken care of.
I found a section over at the back wall, it was like a bench that ran the length of the wall. And it was filled with painted and mounted posters. I was fishing through for something that would look good on an old lady's wall, for the movie. Then I noticed the left hand corner was filled with miscellaneous fabrics. I looked through these warm, soft fabrics and uncovered my own little baby Heather, sleeping among the material. Her eyes were closed, she was warm, content and breathing. She was wearing her pink, stripy babygro/onesie. I used to call her Sparkle Queen when she wore that one. I could almost see a smile on her face as she slept.
I held her close. She looked exactly as she did in real life. I soaked up every detail. I was suddenly aware that "this is probably one of those dreams again". I wished it wasn't. And I decided to ignore the fact that it was a dream, and savor it all.
I wondered why she was still a baby when it had been so many years. I concluded it was probably because her eyes have been closed this whole time, that if I could get them to open again, she'd probably start growing again. I considered how strange it would be, for her to be the baby sister.
I noticed one of the art store employees, (or was it the manager?) looked at me holding Heather, from the other side of the store, smiled wisely, and walked out of site. I felt grateful to her, that she had given my baby this warm place to sleep while she waited for me to return to her. This lady seemed like an angel, she had a gentleness about her, but I had a sense that she had some authority that I would never comprehend.
Suddenly I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I started to regret the fact that I hadn't been there for my baby this whole time. She had been here on this bench, and I had been living my life. My heart raced and my stomach turned as I contemplated the possibility that she might have cried. What if she cried, and I wasn't there for her? Did she know I wasn't there, if her eyes were closed? Could she hear what was going on? How would she forgive me. What kind of mother was I, leaving my baby to cry and not being there to comfort her? I felt horrible.
I decided to whisper to her and kiss her warm cheek. I held her tiny body up to my face, inhaled her aroma and whispered in her ear, "Mummy's here now. Don't worry, Mummy's here".
And as I did, she started to stir. I saw her mouth move in almost a yawn, and I worried it was a grimace. It was a strange expression, her lips agape, revealing her toothless gums. I had a moment of panic that she wasn't ok, but also a moment of awe, to watch this motion animating my lost love. And then her eyes opened, for an inverted blink. Then they promptly closed again. I couldn't take my eyes off her. There was only her face, filling my whole field of vision. Her eyes slowly fluttered open again, and her mouth turned upwards into that beautiful smile that I am grateful is etched in my subconscious. It was perfectly Peach. I couldn't close my eyes right now, while awake and remember her smile so clearly. It was her, right before me. Looking right into my soul, and with her grin she was bringing life to parts of me that I thought were forever dead.
This was it. The beginning of a new adventure. I didn't know how she would grow, how it would all work out, what her sisters of brother would say. I couldn't really think of much, but stare at her, feel a connection. And overall, the overwhelming sensation was hope.
And then my dream ended. I am uncertain whether it changed to a new dream or if the emotion woke me. Or perhaps it was Turtle kicking my head in the night or Zoe climbing over my feet. Or it could have been Rene's snoring or Lana sleep walking and confused. My tattered $800 bill. My wonderful family, my large sum I've been generously blessed with. I need to focus my energies on being a better steward of what I've been given. On giving more of myself to my kids. And I am reminded of the hope I have for the future, being reminded that while I am not there for my first daughter right now, she is content and being watched over by the angels, and I will gaze into her eyes again one day. And knowing that re energizes me and motivates me to live in the moment now, to soak up every encounter with my children, to give this life my all while God has me here.