I had been kind of nervous to watch it, because I was worried about my performance. I had spent my pregnancy with him reading about hypnobirthing and watching the hypnobirths on you tube and being totally inspired for a peaceful birth. But when it came to crunch time for me, it was such a fast and furious labor and in my mind it was anything but peaceful. I felt embarrassed and thought for sure I must have traumatized Kaya, I must have been yelling and roaring and flailing and out of control. Rene assured me it had been fine, but he's such a good liar sometimes, I never know if I should believe him.
So now, all these months later, I finally decided to watch the birth from a perspective other than my own. And it was soooo different from how it had been in my head. I made a couple of groaning noises at first, but then I became completely focused and quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. The lights were dim, essential oils burned, there was music playing softly in the background, there was the occasional swooshing sound as I shifted my body in the water. Everything was serene and beautiful. I am so grateful to Rene and Kaya for respecting my need for peace and quiet at that time. Kaya uttered a few words of encouragement, but otherwise she silently filmed and watched this miracle unfold.
She spoke to me a few days ago with a question, "guess which 2 moments were my most amazing moments in this family?"
I thought it would be some birthday or vacation. But she answered her own question,
"getting to see my brothers being born. It's so amazing that moment when the baby is out and we find out if it's a boy or a girl, and we're all so happy."
It was beautiful to watch this moment back. I pulled my baby out of the water and was instantly ecstatic. He was pink and grumpy, I was enthusiastically confessing my love for him. It was electric, magical, intense, perfect.
I find it incredible how different my memory of the birth was from the actual event as recorded. But both my memory and the film agree on one thing - that it was a truly amazing, empowering experience. I am so grateful to have had the chance to live it.