Thursday, August 13, 2009

Something is different.

Something's not right. I am a fan of summer. Summer is my favorite and my best. I love the heat, the playing in water, the ice cream, the crashing into an air conditioned home after sweating it out all day. I love getting sticky with sun lotion and drinks tasting too watery because the ice melts. I love having to wear shoes because the ground is too hot for the soles of your feet. Yard sales, picnics, barbecues, hand held fans, sun stroke. It's all good.

I love this stuff.

And because I love Summer so much, and I'm not a fan of Winter; Fall is usually depressing for me. I love the leaves and the beauty. But it always feels like death to me. Partly because I remember the life and death of my firstborn in the fall of 2001. So the look and feel of fall bring back some mixed up memories and throw me in a rollercoaster of emotion.

But even before then, fall could bring me down in the dumps. The chill in the air, the death on the trees, the darker days and longer nights. In the middle of enjoying Summer, I've always found myself dreading Autumn.

But not this year. Something is different this year. This year I've noticed myself thinking forward to Halloween or Harvest time or raking up leaves, with excitement brewing up inside. What's up with that? Lately when I've been realizing the Summer must end soon, instead of grieving, I've been feeling anticipation and joy and a whole new sense of ambition and motivation.

This was so eerie to me, so I had to get to the bottom of it. Ok, I noticed that accompanying these positive feelings of my least favorite season were always memories of last fall. So the key must be somewhere in there. I ran my mind through memories of last year.

The pumpkin patch

The yellowing leaves

Dressing up

Bringing out sweaters

And as I remembered these things, I felt so good inside. Like I had just taken a drug. That warm, content, excited feeling which starts deep in your gut and resonates across your shoulders and through your whole body. I feel alive. It's wonderful. What is it about last fall that's causing such wonderful memories?

Did anything significant happen last fall?

Why of course it did. This happened last fall. September 18th, 2008 - I had the most amazing birth experience. I had my first son, at home, in the water, with only my husband and eldest daughter with me. It was peaceful, intimate, exciting and perfect. And oh my, the buzz.

I enjoyed my other births, as much as one can enjoy pitocin induced contractions while being strapped to a bed. I was happy to meet my little babies and I love newborn days.

But nothing could compare to the feeling of giving birth using only the normal, natural hormones and chemicals which God built in. And wow they are amazing chemicals! the adrenaline and the endorphins and the love hormones. I just felt on top of the world. It was the most amazing high.

People often ask, "why would anyone want to give birth without an epidural? It must be some sort of martyr mentality"

And if you can't grasp how amazing it feels to experience birth with all the natural lows and then incredible natural highs, then you will find it difficult to understand why anyone wouldn't want to numb the pain of labor.

I felt like I could conquer the world. I had done something incredible and I felt like I had super powers. I had created a little being and brought him into the world. He was mine. The Drs didn't give him to me. I made him and I brought him to life, and played a part in this incredible miracle of life which God set into motion.

If I'm having a difficult time in life, which I often do, lacking motivation etc, I just have to look at these newborn pictures or remember those early days and I am instantly infused with this sense of achievement and amazement and self worth. I can draw from the energies that I had back then, from that birth buzz.

I am woman, hear me roar.

Oh my gosh, look at that sweetness

It was about 11 months ago. And I can still tap in to those positive energies. How amazing is that? And I'm thinking this wonderful birth has cured my ill feelings about fall forever. So are you all convinced about natural childbirth yet? I'm just happy I'm embracing life in a new way, and am content to experience the changing seasons with my wonderful family, and empowering memories. yay.


2Shaye ♪♫ said...

Man, I hardly know what to write here. I read Heather's story and your birth story and I'm just feeling all nostalgic and happy and joyful. Our home births were just a few months apart. Mine came after two horrible c-sections. And last year when we neared my son's homebirth date, it brought back so many lovely memories. The reminder of that empowerment and liberation and renewed faith flooded endless through my veins.

Thank you for all that you've shared here, friend. It's so very touching. Tangible, even.



Laura said...

Bet you are all kinds of coloured happy that you were handy with a camera last year, huh? I didn't even know about DSLRs, let alone cocooned for photographing newborns! I feel gipped!!! ;)

Both births for me were planned to be natural for as long as I could take it - hoping to be able to go all the way. Unfortunately, my body and my babies had other ideas - with my back problems and babies who presented the wrong way, I ended up with back labour both times and just could not take it to go beyond 4cms without help. I was especially sad that I failed the second time around - I was so hoping to have a normal presentation and have all the labour pains in the front rather than feeling like someone trying to rip out my spine and hand it to me! ;)

I too dread the cooler/cold months - I am a summer person too - the sun, the heat - bring it on. Course, you may then ask why I live in New England!

Betsy said...

Wow, gorgeous photos (as always), especially the summer ones!! Precious memories.

Riahli said...

I felt robbed of the natural birth I had been planning when I was told at 36 weeks that my first born was huge and breach. I tried everything to turn him around before agreeing to a C-section because I had no other options. He ended up being 10 lbs 11 ounces so if I had tried to do it on my own it could have and probably would have turned out badly. I came to terms with it, but still wanted so badly the natural birth experience feeling strongly that is is better for mother and baby. I was able to have that with my second child, born in the water at my midwives clinic and it was beautiful. Practically indescribable. Even though he was also huge (10 lbs 3 ounces!) and so there was some complications at the end, but nothing to much to handle. I am so thankful that I was able to have a successful v-bac and I am now planning on a homebirth for my third baby. I am also so thankful that I have a midwife that fully supports me and is willing to help me have the birth that I want and respects me and my right to choice how I want my child to be born. I really wish that more women understood that birth doesn't have to be scary or a medical can be so, so much more!

I loved reading about your natural birth experience, how wonderful! My own mother had her last three children totally unassisted with only her husband there, and her other children. No problems. If I hadn't had a prior C-section I can see myself wanting to do the same.

Jilly said...

This is so touching to read. I'm so so glad that you now find Autumn a happier time! I had 2 miscarriages back to back at the end of summer into autumn 2007, after ttc for near 2yrs. When I eventually became pregnant, I was all for natural (still am!), however little Nathanael was back to back and labour lasted 34.5 hours from start to finish, ending in a c-section after there was fetal distress. I got to 7cm myself (they refused to give me even gas&air - was v understaffed in prenatal) but 7cm isn't too bad. Next time (yes hopefully one day) I would love a natural birth. That intimate experience you had with your hubby & eldest must've been amazing. x

Morgan said...

Beautiful writing from a beautiful woman in and out! I love that you are entering a season of healing as you are entering fall. God is good and provides for us in His perfect timing. :) Blessings!

Herb of Grace said...

Beautiful post...just beautiful :)

lady mommy said...

I reread this post 5 times before I could comment. I am so glad that God restored your joy to you. The day Peach passed was forever ingrained into my 16 year old brain and I remember the devastation I experienced, the big crocodile tears I cried, and the anger I felt for such an injustice. But then there is God. A God who works all things together for the good. A God who restores that which is taken away. A God that takes but also gives. A God who holds your baby girl in the palm of His scarred hands until the day you meet again. A God who is so big, yet cares for each of our hurts and pains. That God looked down on your hurt and blessed you with a Turtle J I wish to someday experience a home birth, as I am also a Pitocin queen, but I will do as God so leads. Thank you for posting something so wonderful, to remind me of the love of our savior.

Michelle M. said...

What a beautiful post. It is especially poignant for me as I am approaching the birth of my little one. Since my first two pregnancies were 'high risk', I had to deliver in a hospital. We weren't sure how this one would turn out, but so far, my chart says "normal pregnancy"-I hope it stays that way. I am very highly considering a home birth if we are blessed with another child in the future. It is so nice to read such wonderful stories.

Kinsleys4 said...

All gorgeous pics -- I esp love the 2nd one of Lana. You're amazing!