The problem is, it was supposed to be a picture of me with all my kids. But it's not. And I'll never have one of those. And I still feel a little sorry for myself at times.
See, my brain and my spirit realize that Peach isn't here anymore. They realize she's in Heaven and I'll see her again one day. My body has no clue. It just knows I've given birth 5 times and it expects to be caring for 5 children.
Once you have a child and your maternal instincts switch on for that child, there's no off button. I know she doesn't need me anymore, but my body doesn't know that.
I've mentioned before that I'm neurotic about many things. One such thing is I have this fear of leaving a child behind. I'm constantly pulling the car over to do an extra headcount, or yelling out to Kaya, "can you check that Turtle is still there? And Zoe?" even when I physically buckled them all in there minutes previous. But I think it's because my internal numbers are all out of whack with reality. I'm counting 4 kids and trying to reassure myself that that means I have all the kids, but inside there's this alarm going off saying there must be one missing.
Because there is one missing. I miss her every day. I need her every day. I love her every day. I have been blessed with so much more than I ever could have imagined. And I am thankful. And I still just wish she was here to be a part of it all. Although I'm at peace with it all and everything, sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes Heaven seems too long to wait.