Wednesday, July 8, 2009

There's one missing

I love this picture Rene took of the kids and I after Lana's birthday meal at Red Robins (they do boca burgers!)

The problem is, it was supposed to be a picture of me with all my kids. But it's not. And I'll never have one of those. And I still feel a little sorry for myself at times.

See, my brain and my spirit realize that Peach isn't here anymore. They realize she's in Heaven and I'll see her again one day. My body has no clue. It just knows I've given birth 5 times and it expects to be caring for 5 children.

Once you have a child and your maternal instincts switch on for that child, there's no off button. I know she doesn't need me anymore, but my body doesn't know that.

I've mentioned before that I'm neurotic about many things. One such thing is I have this fear of leaving a child behind. I'm constantly pulling the car over to do an extra headcount, or yelling out to Kaya, "can you check that Turtle is still there? And Zoe?" even when I physically buckled them all in there minutes previous. But I think it's because my internal numbers are all out of whack with reality. I'm counting 4 kids and trying to reassure myself that that means I have all the kids, but inside there's this alarm going off saying there must be one missing.

Because there is one missing. I miss her every day. I need her every day. I love her every day. I have been blessed with so much more than I ever could have imagined. And I am thankful. And I still just wish she was here to be a part of it all. Although I'm at peace with it all and everything, sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes Heaven seems too long to wait.


Krystal said...

I'm so sorry Niecey you've had to live this pain....I can not even imagine. Just know I have said a prayer for you.

It is a beautiful picture of you with your babies though! Your expression says it all!

Kathie said...

Oh Niecey, it does hurt. I know how you feel--not exactly, but at least a little. Your loss was greater than mine, but my heart still yearns for my baby that didn't make it to more than a few thousand cells.

May God give you peace--I'm sure he's got Heather up there on his lap, and they are having a grand time and looking forward to when you can be there to share it.

God Bless hon.

elisa said...


*blows you a kiss*

*prays for you*

Laura said...

Niecey - I didn't know about Heather until today. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I went to your memorial website for her and read all that was there. She is absolutely beautiful! My heart aches for your pain. What an amazing reunion you will have one day!

Kinsleys4 said...

And yet your 4 on this side of Heaven need you for a long time to come still! It's amazing how quickly the numbers can change though. A dear friend of ours (missionaries to Ireland - I stayed with her & her husband when I visited once) just found out her cancer has returned - and bad. She has 4 kids and 7 grandkids (couples with kids our girls' age). Even with our blessed hope, it's SO hard to be on the earthly side of someone's homegoing. Definitely hard to deal with the numbers being out of whack. It wasn't meant to be that way.

Kinsleys4 said...

Beautiful pic of you & the kids btw :-) Definitely one to frame.

Visty said...

This is absolutely the best picture of a mama and her babies I have ever seen. Seriously, true beauty and perfection in every face, and the lighting is gorgeous.

I am sorry about your little Peach. I read her story. I can't imagine that kind of pain, to bring your baby in the world and know her, and then lose her.

It is good to meet you and I look forward to reading your blog!