I don't even know where I'm going with this post. I'm just going to open up my mouth and let the belly rumble...or open up my fingers and let the keyboard rumble??
Like the rest of us, I play a good game. For the most part, I'm thriving. I'm loving life with my kids, homeschooling them and watching them grow and blossom. I am in a great (not perfect, but right for me) marriage, living in the wonderful State of Nebraska, which I adore, growing in Christ and learning more about how he loves me and who he wants me to be. I feel like I'm progressing. I have much. I am happy.
But last night I had a panic attack. And it's not the first I've ever had. It developed into an asthma attack. Thankfully I still had an inhaler. My chest still hurts today, and I'm exhausted.
And it was all about people. I don't want to go into details about the situation, but what it boils down to is, I'm an introvert. I'm scared of people. I love people, I want to have friendships and relationships. I want to help people and get involved in their lives and welcome them into my own. But I'm scared of them. It's part temperament, part residue from bullying in high school and part low self-esteem. A bit of genetics and a bit of environment. It's who I am.
I do well in a controlled environment. Like hosting a party. Or going to a potluck. Where I know the boundaries and I know when it will end. But I can't handle the relaxed, comfortable stage that most relationships develop to. I end up pushing people away. It's not a fear of intimacy thing, I love intimacy and real, raw relationships. But in nice controlled spurts. If that's possible. I need to have my space to fall back into. I crave my alone time. I end up making people feel rejected because I back out when I feel out of control, or like I can't have my space.
And then I wonder if this makes me some sort of freak. Does everyone else manage to have healthy relationships? I'm a strange sort of introvert. I love meeting new people. I love getting to know people better. Especially if Rene is beside me to give me strength. I can't handle the whole, lets-phone-each-other-and-go-shopping-together thing. I don't know what to say to people if I'm alone with them. I make a complete fool of myself and end up cringing for the rest of the day.
Rene is a total extrovert. He needs to get his fix of talking to people just to stay healthy. I can't figure it out for the life of me. I need my fix of being completely away from people to stay sane. I'm thankful that God put us together. We're the ying and yang. We compliment each other and can help balance each other. It works.
And I hope that as I grow in Christ and mature as a woman, that I'll learn to not be so afraid of interactions with people. I guess in the meantime I need to learn to accept myself the way I am. I'm not someone else, I'm me. And I'm trying. And hopefully I'll get there one day.
Ok so what are you, introvert or extrovert? Are you neurotic or 100% normal and perfect? Especially tell me the bad stuff, to make me feel better.